Perfection Illusion

“Perfection is eating us from the inside out.” 

I can’t take credit for the insight associated with the above quote. Like many interesting and helpful things my clients and I  co-create, this one came from my client, not out of any advanced graduate school textbooks.

 Here’s what I take from it...

 Somewhere along the way some of us decided that perfection is the pursuit; the goal. It’s a ‘pro-social’ concept. “Pursuit of perfection” makes a powerful statement if you’re writing ads for Lexus, but not if it’s driving you as a human being. 

 When working with people I do my best to reframe “perfect” to “ideal.” Ideal is not perfect, it’s awesome. 

 How wonderful to have the ideal body for your actual frame and height and age...with that ‘ideal’ concept ever evolving as you learn more about nutrition and healthy exercise.

 How great to be in an ideal relationship because you’ve worked your asses off to show up as your truest selves, see and hear each other, and clean up ruptures regularly, fairly soon after they happen (which they WILL, even in ideal relationships!)

 How wonderful to find the ideal learning environment for YOU? One in which you fit well, are understood, and find your way to grow at your pace, with opportunities to push yourself toward excellence.

 None of the above scenarios are perfect because perfect doesn’t exist...except maybe in a flower or a newborn’s tiny fingers. 

COVID musing #3

I have dedicated my life and career to understanding relationships and walking the talk. With that being said, I still ‘got into it’ with my husband Sunday morning. It was only day 10-ish of stay-at-home and it was happening already? Discouraging.

What was it about? Basically, he asked if I had cleaned the container from the store and I answered, “yes.” He asked, “really?” Why did that bug me and why did I, truth be told, snap at him? Who really cares, right? What happened next is what is important to me. I apologized and he responded with grace and it was over. Really.
 

I tell you this little slice-of-life vignette because I don’t think we’re alone in being more on edge than normal right now. Relationships are being affected by all of these unknowns.

People who normally aren’t living together ARE for now. High school and college kids are likely missing their celebrations and graduations. Parents who work inside and (formerly) outside the home are charged with homeschooling. Don’t even get me started about the economy! There’s more togetherness and a lot more dishes.
 

If you find yourself, like me, getting agitated more easily, what are you doing when it happens?  Are you asking for what you need and if so, what DO you need? In marriages, one usually needs more space while the other needs more connection. How do you negotiate those differences?

I'm stress cleaning, how are you coping?

COVID musing #2

Depending on where you live in the US, we’re about one week into taking this virus very seriously. I don’t want to speak for you, but that’s my experience. What the #&%#& is going on? 

“Unprecedented”, “shelter in place”, “social distancing”, “hoarding toilet paper”, “self quarantine”, “pandemic”, “closed until further notice”, “graduation ceremony cancelled”, "exponential", “WFH set up”, “curb-side delivery”. These are all phrases that are part of our new normal.

How about: “stress eating”, Stress cooking”, “stress baking”, stress cleaning”? That's what I did Monday and Tuesday. I also practiced “Telehealth” with my clients. More people than ever know what that means - using computers or smartphones, along with technology, to remotely do a therapy session with clients. I’m grateful that we have the ability to connect remotely (and thank you to my clients open to the idea, you know who you are!) with people. Mostly for the CONNECTION, less the REMOTE. 

Healthcare workers around the world are using telehealth to screen patients to prevent overwhelming ERs where they may share the virus. But our healthcare workers are also putting themselves in harm's way as they do their jobs - NOT remotely. THANK YOU. I’m hearing and reading how they’re getting sick and how hard it is to reconcile their work with keeping themselves and their families well. There are no easy answers.

As a therapist who works with families and couples (as well as individuals) I am imagining the fallout of this health crisis on relationships and mental health. As we self quarantine for days...weeks...our coping skills may run thin. For some being with family is safe, for others it is not. For many it’s in-between. 

If we remember to exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, put our screens down and breathe, that may help, but it feels rather contrite to be giving that ‘advice’ right now. I don't know what you need any better than you. What I do know is that we are all going to be stretched thin and ‘living in the not knowing’ is HARD. And we’re all in this together. 

PS: "Control what we can control" tip of the day, if you use reusable cloth grocery bags, wash them in the washing machine - frequently!

Social Distancing??

Friday the 13th COVID update. Ironic, right?!

We are amidst a crisis the likes of which we have never experienced. I want to acknowledge the grieving loved ones of the people who have died. Even though the percentages are low, this virus kills. Below are some of the unprecedented changes made in the past few days to stem the spread of the virus:

Entire school systems are closed - some indefinitely 

A large percentage of workers are working from home

Officials are considering shutting down entire public transportation systems 

Several professional sports leagues are cancelled or suspended

Concerts around the world are being cancelled

Air travel is being reduced by Delta by 40%

Grocery store shelves are depleted

Broadway is dark

I could go on, but I won’t because the purpose of this blog is NOT to make you MORE anxious. What I want to do is twofold; highlight unintended human consequences of the crisis recommendations, and point out some good that may come out of this awful situation.

Just today, our town officials broadcast, “Social gatherings, large and small are discouraged until the virus has run its course.” In times of crisis, what we normally do is band together. Our health districts are understandably telling us to do just the opposite. One unintended consequence of new “social distancing” practices is that people are increasingly anxious, scared, and lonely. People naturally want to be and feel connected and when that's taken away people suffer.

Can anything GOOD can come out of this? Here are some positive possibilities.

It’s possible that some relationships can be well maintained and grown during this crisis. How? Technology! While many of us over-use technology at times, using it well now can help bridge the human to human connection gap. My suggestion is that you FaceTime, text, call, email, etc., your besties while you’re feeling unsure or isolated. Don't wait to reach out until you feel better. Odds are your friends and family are struggling too. Connect!

Another positive possibility is the opposite of using technology. As we spend more time together at home, we can 'turn back time' a little and do more 'old fashioned-ish' activities. We can put our phones down and play with our kids. We can read more. We can cook more homemade meals. We can dance and exercise at home with our families.

These are some ideas to make the best of a bad situation. I'm sure you can think of even more and better ideas! Use your imaginations and we'll get through this together.

Last Desiderata Blog (Finally!): 12

“With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Part of me thinks this is the most poignant message from Desiderata and the prior 11 selections are simply pretty prose.

I study, practice, and read all sorts of interesting things about how we heal and live happier, more connected lives. Reading this today makes me think many answers we’re all seeking may start with the above quote.

In my practice as a relationship therapist, regardless of whether I’m working with parents about how to improve family relationships, a couple, or individual people transitioning to a new stage of life, I naturally integrate this last section of Desiderata. How?

Well, I strive to keep boots on the ground with realism about the pain in peoples’ current situations while holding hope with optimism that healing is possible; happiness is possible. 

We don’t have to be defined by our broken dreams. Often just acknowledging a disappointment, trauma, failure, or mistake (often for the first time out loud) is the first step to creating a realistic and beautiful life. It’s my honor to help people through this journey; one they may have been fearful to step into for many years.

Thank you for reading my take on Desiderata. If you’re new to my blog or want to re-read earlier Desiderata posts, click below for prior posts.

Desiderata 8 (originally published 3/27/19 - Out of order! #always learning)

"Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass."

How simple…”be yourself.” “Simple but not easy,” I often say to my clients. Just because something may appear simple and may be backed by good research doesn’t mean it’s easy to incorporate and execute in real life. An example is that it’s usually best to take a deep breath when triggered by our significant other or child, but that’s exactly when we’re less likely to take that pause!

“Be yourself” is a good goal. It’s quite different than succumbing to the influences that are available to us constantly, (read: social media) that can be experienced as invitations to be somebody else or different. Prettier, more muscular, richer, smarter, more motivated, more zen - whatever. It’s hard to resist these temptations. Resistance requires a solid intention to accept your SELF - just as you are. Again, simple but not easy. Not a bad goal though.

I believe the rest of today’s quote suggests that we shouldn’t act differently than who we really are around others just to gain their affection because they’d be liking or loving somebody other that YOU! And let’s remember that loving another person is beautiful, especially because it adds comfort while we’re all struggling to make sense of lives that can be disenchanting.

It Wasn't Supposed to Happen This Way!

Desiderata blog 11

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him or Her to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”

How often do you find yourself saying out loud or to yourself, “it wasn’t supposed to happen this way!”? Hardly ever? Frequently? Regardless, most of us have had the protest cross our mind. 

When I do, I remember the first line above and it soothes me. “Betsey...things are unfolding as they should.” It helps. It helps me remember that I’m in control of myself and nothing else. And what is happening just may end out differently than what I’m worried about right now.

Also, the lesson I need to learn is likely tied to what happened right before my impulse to fight reality. What am I fighting? Most likely something outside my control. The circle of life.

“Peace” appears twice in the rest of the quote. As a suggestion, be at peace with some energy greater than yourself. Also, as you’re seeking and aspiring and working in this confusing loud world, take time to find peace inside. It’s a choice. 

Your and my choices to seek and maybe find peace may make it easier to accept when things aren’t going as we’ve somehow decided they SHOULD. 

P.S. Full disclosure, I added “or Her” to the quote. It’s 2019, people!

Be Gentle With Yourself

Desiderata blog 10

“Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”

Oh boy! This one touches my heart. How lovely, equalizing, inclusive, and universal is this message?

Being gentle with yourself is a simple concept, l know, but how often do we forget to live it. How often do you or I extend kindness to others but remain harsh with ourselves? Self forgiveness is a practice more rare than I imagine would be best for this universe. 

What's your self-talk? What do you say to and about yourself day in and day out? Are you reminding yourself that you're a good person who occasionally does bad stuff? Or, when you fail to live up to ridiculous standards, do you berate yourself as a "bad person?" Consider the difference between those two very different ways of talking about yourself.

Change is possible, in fact I'm going to change something right now. I'm going to shift my self-talk from "Wow, I screwed that up!" to "I did the best I could with the information I had at the time." 

You have a right to be on this planet, so while you're here, have some more self compassion and make changes happen. 

If you make ONE CHANGE TODAY to your self-talk, what will it be? 

Gracefully Surrender

Desiderata blog 9

"Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

Ok, I must tell you that this is one of my favorite sections of Desiderata. As a 57 year-old woman this speaks to me. Mainly because I’m very busy surrendering. It’s a full time job. 

Let me explain...

Daily, maybe even hourly, I am confronted with reminders that I am no longer young, as well as ‘suggestions’ that I can maybe do something about it. I have to say this just once, anti-aging, doesn’t that technically mean dying? What about gracefully aging? Gracefully surrendering?

I surrender by:

1. Recognizing that I never have to go on a roller coaster again 

2. Admitting that I don’t even want to get a tan anymore. 

3. Celebrating that I like to go to bed early instead of apologizing for it. 

4. Appreciating the maturity (and yes fun!) of a long term marriage that is notably missing the drama of younger years. 

5. Deciding that I no longer need to apologize for not wanting to ski again. Ever.

Also, I love being reminded that as we age, maybe, just maybe, our spirits can be strengthened, and we can spend less time worrying about things that will likely NOT come to pass. When you're worried, take a nap, call a friend, eat a healthy meal, take a walk or a shower. Then notice if you're still upset.

Regardless of your age, how do you let go of things that no longer serve you? Please write back to me with your list, no matter your age or how short or long. Maybe I’ll make your lists a subsequent blog post. Thank you.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Desiderata blog 7

“Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.”

I love this excerpt because it suggests we can be both discriminating and trusting. Be careful but don’t be too cynical at the same time. How?

Well, I believe our bodies tell us pretty much all we need to know in order to make these judgement calls. And we need to listen to that body. How many times do you remember, only in hindsight, that you KNEW something in your gut but you didn’t listen to it? 

Let’s apply this concept to work and home. At work, if you’re honest with yourself, didn’t you know your coworker was sketchy but ignored your hunch, and later you got burned by that person when she or he claimed your idea as his or her own? At the same time, there are others who are deserving of your trust, even admiration. Your gut can help you figure out who is who. 

At home, I think we can all agree that sometimes teenagers lie. Yes, they try it out and hopefully learn soon enough that it’s not worth it. BUT, let that not blind us to how thoughtful, deep, creative, and funny they can be. All that in the same person! Remember to use our best instincts and speak up when we suspect something’s off about what they are professing. Our instincts are the hints our bodies give us.

Heroism is everywhere, believe it or not. Just look. But don’t be fooled by the shiniest penny - the person who might grab your attention first - she or he might not be the one who ultimately deserves your time and trust most. But there are a lot of us out there. 

Trust your gut and find us! Yes, I’m including myself in the “us”. I debated typing “them” or “us” because I don’t want to appear arrogant. I decided it was ok because I know I do do my best every day to live with integrity and high ideals. And I bet you do too - and we all likely hit the mark most of the time. The rest of the time we have some cleaning up to do. Welcome to the human race.

Honoring My Sister

Losing Carol

This weekend marked the first family ritual without my sister. We all came together to celebrate a family wedding…without Carol. Grief. Loss. More grief. More loss. An immeasurable amount of tears. Mixed with beauty, inspiration, and hope. Funny how that works.

During the reception I was reminded that we all have been touched by loss; even tragedy. Even on the happiest of days it’s important to remember those no longer on this earth. I was caught breathless by the photo tribute to those lost too early. Ouch.

Carol passed away peacefully after a 27 year battle with breast cancer…metastatic for 15. Heavy. She was my older sister and I loved her dearly. She touched many lives with her quiet strength; her kindness, evidenced by the outpouring of love and messages since December.

Two weeks ago, several hundred people gathered in her honor. She wanted it to be a celebration of her life, not a “memorial” or a funeral. That’s Carol. She was positive, loving, gentle, and kind. And she knew what was important. I write these words in tribute to her, past tense. This is so hard. The tears still come; unexpectedly. Like right now.

The best I can glean from this awful situation is that the deep sorrow I (and many others) feel must have some purpose. Yes, I hurt more than I ever have in my 56 years, but my joy is oddly increasing as well. Maybe it’s the appreciation for each breath I have the privilege to take. 

I believe sharing grief with others, whether it’s with family members or with people I have the honor to sit with in my work, has exponentially increased my capacity to feel and empathize with their experiences.

Carol, your life was well lived and you will never be forgotten. Your legacy lives on through your husband, lovely ladies, sweet granddaughter, and many more.

Do You Like Valentine's Day?

We’re in the middle of National Marriage week that ends with a bang on Valentine’s Day.

Interesting juxtapositioning. I say that because from the vantage point of a couples therapist as well as a woman in a marriage that began in 1986, I believe the two have little to do with each other. What?! Isn’t marriage about romance, gifting, and overpriced prix-fixe dinners?

No.

Marriage is about loving another person because it’s one of the reasons we’re on this planet. It’s seeing him or her for who they are...with acceptance. It’s having boundaries that keep the two of you protected within a safe and loving bubble. A bubble into which even the kids (if you have them) are not invited.

According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages” our calling within a marriage is to discover how the other person takes in love, and then do those things  - regularly! Does she feel most loved when receiving physical touch or words of affirmation? Does he need gifts or quality time from you to feel all warm and fuzzy? Or for either, is it acts of service that fill him or her up? What’s your love language? Share it. Your partner’s? Learn it.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day: My father always said he preferred a random Tuesday to Valentine’s Day. What did he mean? It’s all about expectations. On a Tuesday at 7pm when your spouse grabs your plate and unexpectedly finishes the dishes, that feels good. Or if he or she unexpectedly looks at you lovingly or longingly, what a welcome surprise! On Valentine’s Day many of us expect to do or feel or receive in a certain way and if it doesn’t come to pass, we can feel disappointed. Not always, but the level of expectation affects how it all plays out.

So, whether it’s National Marriage Week, or Valentine’s Day, or a random Tuesday, I think we can all agree that it feels good to give love as well as receive it. The gestures don’t have to be on-demand with high Holiday expectations attached, they can simply be authentic to your unique relationship.

Productive Procrastination?

When you read “productive procrastination” what did you think? Ridiculous? Fair.

I’m writing about this concept (I thought I invented it until I Googled it…) for a good reason. I’m trying to ‘positively reframe’ procrastination. And I’m doing so…why? Well, since the new year I’ve been doing a lot of procrastinating. And distracting myself. They’re cousins. And I want to understand what's going on and make something positive out of it if I can.

Is it possible that I'm on my way to productivity as I meander? Maybe. I tell myself I need a new computer (really?)…and that process takes a bunch of hours with all the driving to the store and back and migrating data. What a great distraction from finishing the amazing book “The Journey of the Heroic Parent,” (more on that soon) as well as planning and strategizing for the year that’s 1/24th over already. Ugh.

I tell myself that I just haven’t kick started into FULL MODE yet, if that’s a thing. I’m happily working and feel fully present when I’m with my clients, but something is nagging at me. Oh goodness, is it the SHOULD MONSTER!? Yes! He, she, or it is whispering repetitive notions in my ear such as, “you should be doing more right now”, or “Why haven’t you _______ (fill in the blank) yet?”

I do my best to walk my talk. So today (or tomorrow, shoot, the sun just set!) I will do my best to quiet the SHOULD MONSTER’S annoying demands. Honestly, the best I can do today and tomorrow and the next day is to be kind to myself and do my best to grow and learn as I stumble imperfectly through this life. Simple, not easy.
 

And I’m going to give myself permission to accept that sometimes I’m simply not productive. And other times when I try to push it, like with New Year’s resolutions, for example, it doesn’t work. And other times, I’m hit with inspiration on a random Wednesday at 5pm. Cool.

One more thing that’s sort of related: a dear friend shared with me that her New Year’s INTENTION, is, "to be kind and forgiving to myself.” I like i!. How about you?

Plan your HUMBLE STAMP

Desiderata 6 

“Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.”

I thought it was time to blog again, (honestly, overdue!) and I like #6 for this time of year because it includes the word “plans.” Yes, it’s time to look forward to 2019 and, if you choose, start planning some changes. 

In the 6th century BC, Greek philosopher Heraclitus reportedly said, “There is nothing permanent except change.” We’ve likely read or heard some version of that concept many times. How does it apply today? 

Well, my best guess is that we regularly make resolutions to change and are able to sustain a (small?) percentage of those resolutions. May I be so bold as to say that’s not a bad thing? As we enjoy the achievements of the prior year and look forward to what we have planned, OF COURSE we’re doing our best to set a new course! And we have the best of intentions, but change is hard. 

Staying humble as we navigate goals and changes and resolutions and changing fortunes helps us remember, “we’re special, just like everybody else.” Who said that? Wiki tells me it was cultural Anthropologist Margaret Mead, and that’s good enough for me. Well, she actually said “absolutely unique”, not “special”, but either way it works.

We are all unique by design. As you navigate this next 365-ish, what particular stamp are you resolving to leave on the 2019 calendar? Me, I plan on being a terrific new grandmother. Call me Mimi.

Ever Feel Vain or Bitter?

Desiderata blog 5
 
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
 
OK, lovely people, I need to tell you that the above sentence, by far, runs most frequently through my head and comes out of my mouth more often than any other portion of the Desiderata. Hands down.
 
I need to remind myself of what is happening when I feel icky on either side of the spectrum. Too cocky? Oh, I’m comparing and coming out on top. Feeling fierce? I’m comparing and losing the game.
 
How often do you tell yourself (most likely not even true) that this or that person has a better or worse set of circumstances than you? And as the result, what’s the ensuing feeling?
 
How briefly satisfying is that vain/smug feeling? Interestingly, does the bitter feeling associated with seeing others as “better than you” last longer? Wow.
 
How about we do away with both ways of comparing? Since I grew up re-re-re-re reading the Desiderata, I’ve done my best to follow this suggestion throughout my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel envious or smug at times. I just don’t spend a lot of time there. Seems like a waste of time.
 
How about you? What can you do instead? I believe all of our time is best spent loving the people we care about the most, including ourselves, and letting the rest go...

Walk/Run in the Other Direction!

Desiderata 4
 
“Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.“
 
This portion of Desiderata comes from a rather negative angle, and that’s not normally my style. In this case, I will make an exception and share that I wholeheartedly agree with the message. Yes, it could have been written differently…something such as, “Spend time with people who feed your soul”-ish. NAW! That is NOT the message.
 
The message, as I read it is: “Pay attention to the awfulness that just might be around you at any given time and don’t let it mess with you by buying into it, and…run! Don’t let obnoxious, bombastic, and loud people mess with your calm and compassionate self.”
 
We need to set boundaries for ourselves that reflect our values. I choose not to spend time with loud people who exude negativity or express themselves in a way that makes others wrong. I need to protect myself from their vexations! I value peace and living a no-drama life, so when I feel my body tensing from an interaction, I find a way to be somewhere else. And I try my best to not make that other person wrong or bad.
 
HOWEVER…in addition to the above…as a relationship therapist I can’t help but see the hurt little child in every bombastic person and, instead of asking myself, “what’s wrong with him or her?” I ask, “What happened to him or her.” Another value I hold dear is to be kind. What do you hold dear and how do you protect your spirit?

Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

HOW MUCH ENERGY?

Desiderata blog 2

“As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.”

How much energy does it take to be on good terms with all persons? At first glance, it may seem like way too much. But let’s break it down. 'Good terms' doesn’t mean you’re best friends with everybody. The quote means to me that it’s a good idea to do our best to get along with others as long as we don’t compromise too much or surrender our SELF in the meantime. Sounds reasonable. 

Sometimes, however, in order to be on “good terms” with someone, it’s necessary to let go of a lot of things that anger and annoy you...and just breathe. That gives us a moment to pause until we can change the scenery and protect ourselves. Sometimes what we come up with is “I’ve got to go," or “I have something I need to do." It works. No need for drama. Terms are still good but we haven’t given up too much. Oh, and let's not forget that we have no CONTROL over how the other person reacts or responds. So, accordingly, let's not spend too much time trying to.

Other times we can open our hearts completely and surrender (a different kind of surrender!) all our defenses because that special someone is just so safe. That kind of safety cannot be with 'all persons.' We are lucky if we find one or a few precious people in a lifetime with whom we can completely be ourselves. Embrace those ones!

Most relationships with people fall somewhere in-between unsafe and (good) surrender-worthy. Around them, we generally feel ok and it doesn’t take much energy to be on good terms. Phew!

If the quote above is not in your daily practice, how much of your energy are you spending NOT being on good terms with others? 

This shaped me, what shaped you?

Desiderata 1

When I was growing up we had a poem hanging in the powder room (fancy for what we used to call a “bathroom”) off my kitchen. I likely read the poem over 5,000 times in the 14 years I lived in that house. 

Of course, I memorized it; how could I not? What was less obvious was how profound an effect Desiderata would have over my entire life. In fact, who would have known then that this poem would create the scaffolding and template for who I would become as a woman, wife, mother, friend? For that, I’m eternally grateful. I want to share what I learned from Desiderata and how I apply its teachings to life in the 2000s.

I am writing a series highlighting the 13 messages Desiderata communicates. I am also connecting how these messages relate to my work as a relationship therapist. Here goes...

“GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.”

Placidly, not passively. There’s a lot going on around us and between us. Sometimes it makes the most sense, in the moment and for a while, to simply be silent. You have the right to seek peace, and so do the most important people in your life. 

Give it a try and see how it feels to be placid and silent.

WILD AND PRECIOUS!

There is an often quoted portion of American poet Mary Oliver’s 1992 poem, and it goes like this:

Tell me - what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.

Wild and precious! I’m not sure we think of our lives that way while deep in our everyday routines, but what a wonderful view of what we have at our fingertips. Wild, as in exciting, unpredictable, limitless. Precious, as in special and fleeting.

Today I’d like to think about the question Oliver posed, and give some answers from my point of view. And I can't proceed without thinking about FEAR.

What would I do or be or practice if I had no fear or if I faced those fears honestly and kept on going? Maybe I’d learn to fly a plane or cut my hair differently or move to a new city (with my husband, of course!). Maybe I’d dance the tango in NYC! Would I be braver in my most important relationships?

What would you do if fear was not an option or barrier?

If you faced each day with the understanding that time is seriously limited and precious, what would you do differently? How would you face relationships and risk taking? With whom would you spend your precious time?

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?