COVID musing #3

I have dedicated my life and career to understanding relationships and walking the talk. With that being said, I still ‘got into it’ with my husband Sunday morning. It was only day 10-ish of stay-at-home and it was happening already? Discouraging.

What was it about? Basically, he asked if I had cleaned the container from the store and I answered, “yes.” He asked, “really?” Why did that bug me and why did I, truth be told, snap at him? Who really cares, right? What happened next is what is important to me. I apologized and he responded with grace and it was over. Really.
 

I tell you this little slice-of-life vignette because I don’t think we’re alone in being more on edge than normal right now. Relationships are being affected by all of these unknowns.

People who normally aren’t living together ARE for now. High school and college kids are likely missing their celebrations and graduations. Parents who work inside and (formerly) outside the home are charged with homeschooling. Don’t even get me started about the economy! There’s more togetherness and a lot more dishes.
 

If you find yourself, like me, getting agitated more easily, what are you doing when it happens?  Are you asking for what you need and if so, what DO you need? In marriages, one usually needs more space while the other needs more connection. How do you negotiate those differences?

I'm stress cleaning, how are you coping?

COVID musing #2

Depending on where you live in the US, we’re about one week into taking this virus very seriously. I don’t want to speak for you, but that’s my experience. What the #&%#& is going on? 

“Unprecedented”, “shelter in place”, “social distancing”, “hoarding toilet paper”, “self quarantine”, “pandemic”, “closed until further notice”, “graduation ceremony cancelled”, "exponential", “WFH set up”, “curb-side delivery”. These are all phrases that are part of our new normal.

How about: “stress eating”, Stress cooking”, “stress baking”, stress cleaning”? That's what I did Monday and Tuesday. I also practiced “Telehealth” with my clients. More people than ever know what that means - using computers or smartphones, along with technology, to remotely do a therapy session with clients. I’m grateful that we have the ability to connect remotely (and thank you to my clients open to the idea, you know who you are!) with people. Mostly for the CONNECTION, less the REMOTE. 

Healthcare workers around the world are using telehealth to screen patients to prevent overwhelming ERs where they may share the virus. But our healthcare workers are also putting themselves in harm's way as they do their jobs - NOT remotely. THANK YOU. I’m hearing and reading how they’re getting sick and how hard it is to reconcile their work with keeping themselves and their families well. There are no easy answers.

As a therapist who works with families and couples (as well as individuals) I am imagining the fallout of this health crisis on relationships and mental health. As we self quarantine for days...weeks...our coping skills may run thin. For some being with family is safe, for others it is not. For many it’s in-between. 

If we remember to exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, put our screens down and breathe, that may help, but it feels rather contrite to be giving that ‘advice’ right now. I don't know what you need any better than you. What I do know is that we are all going to be stretched thin and ‘living in the not knowing’ is HARD. And we’re all in this together. 

PS: "Control what we can control" tip of the day, if you use reusable cloth grocery bags, wash them in the washing machine - frequently!

Walk/Run in the Other Direction!

Desiderata 4
 
“Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.“
 
This portion of Desiderata comes from a rather negative angle, and that’s not normally my style. In this case, I will make an exception and share that I wholeheartedly agree with the message. Yes, it could have been written differently…something such as, “Spend time with people who feed your soul”-ish. NAW! That is NOT the message.
 
The message, as I read it is: “Pay attention to the awfulness that just might be around you at any given time and don’t let it mess with you by buying into it, and…run! Don’t let obnoxious, bombastic, and loud people mess with your calm and compassionate self.”
 
We need to set boundaries for ourselves that reflect our values. I choose not to spend time with loud people who exude negativity or express themselves in a way that makes others wrong. I need to protect myself from their vexations! I value peace and living a no-drama life, so when I feel my body tensing from an interaction, I find a way to be somewhere else. And I try my best to not make that other person wrong or bad.
 
HOWEVER…in addition to the above…as a relationship therapist I can’t help but see the hurt little child in every bombastic person and, instead of asking myself, “what’s wrong with him or her?” I ask, “What happened to him or her.” Another value I hold dear is to be kind. What do you hold dear and how do you protect your spirit?

Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it. 

January is "Find a Therapist" Month

I’d like to welcome you all back to your regularly scheduled lives. Isn’t that how it feels when January comes around? I’m certainly feeling that way a little bit. So many (wonderful?) distractions have consumed our time for the past couple of months and now here we are: winter and January. What to do?

I don’t have official statistics but I’m boldly dubbing January “Find a Therapist Month.” Why? Well, because I've noticed many people start therapy in the new year. Here’s the good and bad news: there is little over which we actually have control. It's bad because most things are outside our control; good because we DO have control over making changes in our lives. We influence others, we control ourselves. Or we can learn to control ourselves.

How? The how can be in choosing to dive into therapy. Yes, I said dive...no toe dipping! I’ve found that the more open people are to looking honestly at themselves in therapy, the more effective and efficient it is.

Here’s an example: I can’t fix anybody in my life. First, they’re not broken! Second, the most effective and sustainable way to change the way I’m affected by that person is to explore how *I may be part of the problem and decide how to make changes in my approach. Those changes over which I DO have control, change the ‘dance’ between the other person and me.

I can help you start the process of change. Call me if you’re looking for a therapist. If what you need is not in my wheelhouse, I have a significant network of other therapist with other specialties who I can refer you to. We live in a community and part of our community consists of people ready to help you face the cold and January with new tools to help you heal and grow. This is the kind of resolution that can stick.

*In abusive and unsafe situations, the approach is different. Finding and assuring safety is the #1 priority.