Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

Procrastination

Happy new year! How much longer can I legit offer that greeting? A few more weeks. I made up that rule. I'm focusing on the date because I have not published a blog post since November 29th. 2017. I Skipped right over the holidays. It wasn't my plan. It just happened.

"It just happened" is a phrase people use to explain why they did something, or maybe didn't do something. Not my favorite. I consider it an excuse, especially when I utter it. I can only speak for myself here when I say that "it just happened" lacks accountability. So instead of leaving it at that, I will explain why I have not blogged in over two months.

I've procrastinated. I've lacked the follow through required to think, write, edit, re-write, publish, and 'broadcast' my message on social media and via email. There, I said it. Hey, I've written a lot of potential blog posts that I just didn't finish. I've jotted down ideas for future blogs but didn't write them. Truth be told, I haven't been too busy either. I simply haven't done it. So I don't have an excuse, just an explanation.

Why does this matter to you? Maybe it doesn't, but if it does it may be because you can relate to having put things off until, well, later.

How does this relate to relationships? Can you come up with some things you've put off in your relationships? Do any of these sound familiar?

-Avoiding speaking to your spouse or partner about finances

-Wishing you and your neighbor can resolve 'that issue' but not doing anything about it

-Hoping your child will decide for her or himself to reduce screen time, but not using your parental authority to create a new structure to support it, regardless of your child (temporarily!) being angry with you

-Shying away from the talk you need to have with your aging parents about their end of life wishes

-Sidestepping the direct conversation you want to have with a loved one about how their substance abuse is affecting you

Do you have a plan to take that next first step in your life and relationships that will move you forward in 2018...or simply move you forward today? What is it? What's your anti-procrastination plan today?

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it.