Speak My Truth AND Listen?
/Desiderata blog 3
“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”
My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most.
Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered.
When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships.
“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships. It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.
(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)
Post-Thanksgiving: Pleased, Relieved, Sad?
/In our country, we pause during the last Thursday in November every year to commemorate Thanksgiving. The holiday has many meanings but primarily we gather with friends and family to eat, drink, and be merry. Some of us serve meals in houses of worship and community centers to those in our midst who don't have another place to go for a warm meal and a kind word.
Regardless of your tradition, it's fair to assume we're all around people with whom we share some sort of relationship; bound by genetics, choice, or circumstance. And when human beings gather... things happen. We share food, we have opinions about the food as well as opinions about each other's choices, and the state of our intimate worlds as well as the ever-changing world around us.
Now that I've so gently set this up...I'll ask this: did any of you fight with your parents, siblings, extended family, or anybody else over Thanksgiving? Was it awkward? Were your expectations high and you found yourself disappointed? Or, are you relieved that things went pretty well this year? Today do you feel pleased, relieved, or sad? Or something else? With whom are you commiserating or celebrating..."The family you choose", aka your friends? Your coworkers? Somebody else?
let's admit it...bottom line...Wednesday night through Sunday night with a lot of people in your space or being out of your normal routine can be stressful. How do you and those important to you handle stress? Do you clam up, grin an bear it, talk about it, let it go? We've all learned ways of coping through our life experiences. Some ways of coping work better than others and affect outcomes of long holiday weekends.
I've had my share of Thanksgiving weekends of each 'flavor.' I've walked away regretful, exhausted, sad, and thrilled. Some years all four! This year, I must admit, was wonderful! We had thirteen adults who all behaved, shared the work, and enjoyed each other. No babies, toddlers, or teenagers though...maybe that's why!
How about you?
Wisdom from a 96 year old
/Speaking of relationships, (as I constantly do, just ask my husband!) I have a lovely relationship with a 96-year-old man who happens to be my step-father. He’s also a recent widower.
Since my mother died in December I believe he’s been quite lonely. They were married later in life and were able to enjoy 16 wonderful years together. What a gift. He’s made a lot of changes since she passed as well as continuing something he and my mom had done all their years together. He sends his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren cards marking all birthdays and anniversaries. And he does the same for all of my siblings (seven!) and our children and grandchildren. That’s no easy feat.
Consequently, we are staying in touch. Certainly more than if he wasn’t consistently mailing lovely notes. In our last round of correspondence he wrote a few things I deemed worthy of sharing, and with his permission, here goes:
With all of Bill’s education, (MIT) wisdom, and work experience running a large technology business near Boston for decades (GenRad), here’s what he came up with, to sum up his life, and I quote:
“I thought of two four-word statements - one to express my optimistic view of my own life to date ("So far, so good!") and the other to express the goal for my future life (“Just keep going.”)”
That’s all. How wonderful that Bill is able to see his 96 years so simply...” so far, so good!” The wisdom I read into his summation is that life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Yes, we all face challenges, and no life is perfect, it shouldn’t be, (how, then would we learn?) but in the long run, a positive attitude like Bill’s goes a long way toward a long life well lived.
And to quote a portion of the Desiderata that my sister in law Pamela read at my mother’s memorial, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
On Multitasking...
/I was driving to work yesterday and noticed my mind was racing with all sorts of Monday morning thoughts. I started seriously wondering how I drive and think at the same time. And then I realized that THAT thought alone was distracting. What am I supposed to do?
We talk a lot about distracted driving when we imagine driving and using a device. What about driving and having to manage all the thoughts that swirl through our minds. Isn't that distracted driving too?
Here's a sample of my thought process in less than 30 seconds later yesterday:
"...I need directions to my doctor's appointment, she moved, why did she move? Is it more convenient to have an office at the hospital? Billy Joel ad on the radio: I like Billy Joel, he's playing at stadiums all over the country all summer long, my husband loves him, should I get tickets to one of his concerts? Where, which one? For our anniversary in May? Should I take 95 or Post Road. I need to call that client back. When I'm I getting that rug for my office? How are my kids doing? Can my husband meet me for lunch? When will I hear back from that colleague? What's the temperature outside? Do I have a hat? Am I going to be late? Where do I park...?
There is so much available to see, hear, learn, smell, touch, and think about at all times, how can we discern what's important and let the rest go? How can we, how can I, take one thing at a time and NOT multitask? When did multitasking (or the illusion we can multitask) become such a popular concept? I think it coincided with the onset of technology enabling us to have access to 'the world of everything' 24/7.
I love asking questions. Do I always have answers? Absolutely not. But I do have ideas and thoughts, (see above! ha ha) lots of thoughts. One thought is that we have choices. We can choose to focus on one thing at a time. Driving really safe. Connecting with loved ones. Paying bills. Washing dishes.
With all this in mind I've started an experiment this week. I'm practicing NOT multitasking. It actually makes me laugh as I type this but my modern example is choosing to read my book on a kindle instead of an ipad. I know, I know, reading an actual book would be another good choice, but my current book (The Things We Wish Were True) happens to be on my kindle. The reason reading on a kindle is not multitasking is because no updates, emails, or texts can pop up as I read. I'm putting my phone and ipad aside and enjoying reading, just reading. And I like it.
What would you like to do this week to invite more peace and less multitasking into your life?
Perfect: the "P- word"
/"What's the perfect thing to say when a friend loses a loved one?"
"Why isn't my family perfect like theirs?"
"S/he has the perfect body."
These are things people think and talk about frequently. The "P-word" gets thrown around in my office on a regular basis. When you think about it, it's tortuous to constantly be striving for perfection. We've all heard, "nothing's perfect" but many of us still expend a lot of energy working toward the elusive goal of perfection. Why? I think it's because we make assumptions about what we see and hear. When you walk down the halls or streets and see the shiny happy people, (thanks R.E.M.) do you assume that everything's perfect in their lives because it looks that way? Urban Dictionary's interpretation of "Shiny Happy People" lyrics:
"The term is based on a Chinese propaganda poster popularized by REM in the song of the same name. It's a term that determines that people are faking happiness or false happiness in order to fool the outside world that there are no problems. Shiny Happy People are effectively massive fakes. Look at that picture they just put up on Facebook they are all shiny happy people."
Bottom line: find your SELF, BE yourself and spend less time on social media feeling bad because your actual life is less perfect than their curated, virtual lives. Go outside, move your body, call a friend. Breathe.
Oh, and a good (not perfect) thing to say when someone loses a loved one is "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I don't know what to say." It's authentic. Be authentic. Be kind to yourself and others.
Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. -Ian Maclaren or Plato or Philo of Alexandria
The changing look of work
/What does your work look like? Do you work in an office and dress the part or do you work from home and wear what’s most comfortable? What hours do you work? Can you reliably be found in your office or do you conduct your business from wherever you are with your cell and laptop? If you work remotely, where’s your office? Is it your car? The local library? Your home? When are you inspired?
If you’re a parent of young children, how do you integrate caring for your children and your work. Can you work remotely if your child is sick? If you have a partner how do you decide who puts work on hold for the day? Does technology make this easier?
When you’re working do you feel authentic, alive, or is it time to figure out what to do next that will likely be a better fit? Have you been out of the paid workforce for a period of time and ready to get back in but not sure where to start?
I’m asking these questions because I’ve been thinking lately about how wonderful it is that the look and feel of work is changing. Work environments vary more now than ever, in large part, due to technology. While more choices can make it harder to decide what to do, having more choices ultimately offers us the chance to home in on a ‘best fit’ work or career choice. I’d love to hear your thoughts. (Originally posted 12/10/12)
Tragedy in our backyard
/We all are living with heavy hearts today in the wake of yesterday’s unthinkable tragedy in Newtown, CT. Families, friends, community members are all trying to make sense of the senseless. Let our feeling that we’re all part of one community enable us to hold each other a little tighter as we begin the healing process. It will take time and each of us will heal in our own way. (originally posted 12/15/12)