HOW MUCH ENERGY?

Desiderata blog 2

“As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.”

How much energy does it take to be on good terms with all persons? At first glance, it may seem like way too much. But let’s break it down. 'Good terms' doesn’t mean you’re best friends with everybody. The quote means to me that it’s a good idea to do our best to get along with others as long as we don’t compromise too much or surrender our SELF in the meantime. Sounds reasonable. 

Sometimes, however, in order to be on “good terms” with someone, it’s necessary to let go of a lot of things that anger and annoy you...and just breathe. That gives us a moment to pause until we can change the scenery and protect ourselves. Sometimes what we come up with is “I’ve got to go," or “I have something I need to do." It works. No need for drama. Terms are still good but we haven’t given up too much. Oh, and let's not forget that we have no CONTROL over how the other person reacts or responds. So, accordingly, let's not spend too much time trying to.

Other times we can open our hearts completely and surrender (a different kind of surrender!) all our defenses because that special someone is just so safe. That kind of safety cannot be with 'all persons.' We are lucky if we find one or a few precious people in a lifetime with whom we can completely be ourselves. Embrace those ones!

Most relationships with people fall somewhere in-between unsafe and (good) surrender-worthy. Around them, we generally feel ok and it doesn’t take much energy to be on good terms. Phew!

If the quote above is not in your daily practice, how much of your energy are you spending NOT being on good terms with others? 

Perfect: the "P- word"

"What's the perfect thing to say when a friend loses a loved one?"

"Why isn't my family perfect like theirs?"

"S/he has the perfect body."

These are things people think and talk about frequently. The "P-word" gets thrown around in my office on a regular basis. When you think about it, it's tortuous to constantly be striving for perfection. We've all heard, "nothing's perfect" but many of us still expend a lot of energy working toward the elusive goal of perfection. Why? I think it's because we make assumptions about what we see and hear. When you walk down the halls or streets and see the shiny happy people, (thanks R.E.M.) do you assume that everything's perfect in their lives because it looks that way? Urban Dictionary's interpretation of "Shiny Happy People" lyrics:

"The term is based on a Chinese propaganda poster popularized by REM in the song of the same name. It's a term that determines that people are faking happiness or false happiness in order to fool the outside world that there are no problems. Shiny Happy People are effectively massive fakes. Look at that picture they just put up on Facebook they are all shiny happy people."

Bottom line: find your SELF, BE yourself and spend less time on social media feeling bad because your actual life is less perfect than their curated, virtual lives. Go outside, move your body, call a friend. Breathe.

Oh, and a good (not perfect) thing to say when someone loses a loved one is "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I don't know what to say." It's authentic. Be authentic. Be kind to yourself and others.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. -Ian Maclaren or Plato or Philo of Alexandria

Everything's relative

If you’re outside when a thunderstorm starts, what do you do? Run inside? Enjoy the moment? What might your family members do?

Last summer a thunderstorm interrupted my run. I was just far enough away from home to be concerned about the possibility of getting hit by lightning if I continued, so I called home for backup. As I waited for my son’s car I bumped into Bob. Bob appeared unaffected by the storm and was meandering to his home with a relaxed smile on his face. He told me there was no chance of a lightning hit and suggested I continue walking home and enjoy the experience.

What had just happened? Had I reacted in a hysterical way or was I simply hysterical compared to Bob? Compared to a different person’s response mine may have appeared measured and patient. Compared to Bob, I was reactive. I wonder if I had encountered someone in a panic if I would have appeared calm – simply by comparison. Everything’s relative.

Next time you find yourself in a situation that invites the possibility of polar responses, try the opposite of what you might normally do and watch what happens. Do it with a relative and see how fast your loved one notices the change. You will be opening up space for you and those around you to start different interactional patterns. Change can be good. (Originally posted 12/11/12)

On being 'busy'

It was over 15 years ago when I first remember being introduced to the concept that nobody cares if I’m busy; if you’re busy. This stuck with me and I made a vow to avoid saying “I’m busy.”

Why? Let’s break it down. I didn’t want to send an unintended message when using the word. How do people interpret what you mean when you say you’re busy?

“I feel important”
“My time is valuable”
”My free time is valuable”
”I have no free time”
”I manage my time well”
”I like being busy”
”I can’t seem to find time for myself”
”You’re lucky that I made time for you”
”I value our time together”
”I’m filling my time with important things that I value”
”I’m worried about not having enough to do”
“Busy” to me means that I’m living a full life”
”When I say I’m busy I’m complaining”
”When I say I’m busy I’m satisfied”

How do you talk at work and at home about being busy? Could others misinterpret your meaning? How do you make yourself clear?

What’s it like to NOT be busy? (Originally posted 12/12/12)

Before you start couples therapy

Here’s a great list of questions you should ask before you hire a couples therapist. I highly recommend being a careful and selective consumer. I welcome these questions. Feel free to give me a call. I think you’ll be pleased with my answers.

“Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?”
“What is your attitude toward salvaging a troubled marriage versus helping couples break up?”
“What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?”
“What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”
“Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship.” “What percentage break up while they are seeing you?” “What percentage do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?”

Source: 1999 address to the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education conference in Washington, D.C., University of Minnesota Professor William Doherty. (Originally posted 8/8/14)