Do You Like Valentine's Day?

We’re in the middle of National Marriage week that ends with a bang on Valentine’s Day.

Interesting juxtapositioning. I say that because from the vantage point of a couples therapist as well as a woman in a marriage that began in 1986, I believe the two have little to do with each other. What?! Isn’t marriage about romance, gifting, and overpriced prix-fixe dinners?

No.

Marriage is about loving another person because it’s one of the reasons we’re on this planet. It’s seeing him or her for who they are...with acceptance. It’s having boundaries that keep the two of you protected within a safe and loving bubble. A bubble into which even the kids (if you have them) are not invited.

According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages” our calling within a marriage is to discover how the other person takes in love, and then do those things  - regularly! Does she feel most loved when receiving physical touch or words of affirmation? Does he need gifts or quality time from you to feel all warm and fuzzy? Or for either, is it acts of service that fill him or her up? What’s your love language? Share it. Your partner’s? Learn it.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day: My father always said he preferred a random Tuesday to Valentine’s Day. What did he mean? It’s all about expectations. On a Tuesday at 7pm when your spouse grabs your plate and unexpectedly finishes the dishes, that feels good. Or if he or she unexpectedly looks at you lovingly or longingly, what a welcome surprise! On Valentine’s Day many of us expect to do or feel or receive in a certain way and if it doesn’t come to pass, we can feel disappointed. Not always, but the level of expectation affects how it all plays out.

So, whether it’s National Marriage Week, or Valentine’s Day, or a random Tuesday, I think we can all agree that it feels good to give love as well as receive it. The gestures don’t have to be on-demand with high Holiday expectations attached, they can simply be authentic to your unique relationship.

"An ounce of prevention..."

We've all heard "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ." When I was little it was likely said in reference to taking vitamin C or wearing a coat to avoid a cold. I see it differently now that I'm all grown up and fortunate enough to spend my work time helping people navigate relationships. 

How do I interpret the old saying now? In many ways. Here are some:

• Say something to your child when you have 'that feeling' that something's not quite right. She may be going through a rough patch and hasn't found the words yet to tell you what's up. Be the mature adult you are and open up space for her to express herself. Dealing with issues as they're developing can help prevent them from growing into larger problems that will require more effort and energy to resolve.
• Trust your gut. Always. Whether it's a situation at work or an ache or pain, your gut (figurative or actual!) is telling you something. Listen. 
• Don't wait. Research has found that people, on average, delay seeking psychological help for seven years from the beginning of their distress until they make the call. Seven. In my practice, those who seek help earlier than later feel better sooner. This applies especially to couples. 
• Another saying I like is that we can't solve problems with the same thinking that caused them. That's why seeking help from a therapist is helpful. We have training that allows us to approach solutions from a point of view you may not have considered. 

What's on your mind or heart that you've been avoiding dealing with? Can I help? It would be my pleasure. 

What About Baby? Wait a Minute, What About Me and What About Us?

In 1989, yes, quite a while ago, I was given possibly the best advice of my adult life. I was a new mom and living in a new city, so I joined a new mom’s group for support and to meet people. I met a terrific friend and got the advice below….

“After you have a baby, everything is a renegotiation.” That’s all. It’s a lot though. 

I was quite young (and not a therapist quite yet) and had no clue how to reconfigure my marriage with the addition of little Alex, and soon enough, Max. 

“Renegotiation” is not sexy, nor does it sound intimate or fun. But learning to express your needs and wants and learning to give and take with a partner with a new addition who, appropriately, demands a tremendous amount of time and energy is of PARAMOUNT importance. And doing so helps offset simmering resentments, which can be anti-intimacy makers.

Some of my favorite clients are young couples adjusting to parenthood. It’s about 50/50, whether they’re first-time parents or new parents to their second or subsequent child. Both scenarios can create stressors that are hard to deal with. Together we work to make sure that the baby’s needs are not the only ones to which the parents are attending. New parents are able to figure out how to negotiate time, sleep, parenting styles, work, etc., and most of us may need a little help doing so. 

Parent coaching with me is not a long-term process but it can help set up the new family with long term strategies that can last throughout a lifetime of marriage and parenting.

Before you start couples therapy

Here’s a great list of questions you should ask before you hire a couples therapist. I highly recommend being a careful and selective consumer. I welcome these questions. Feel free to give me a call. I think you’ll be pleased with my answers.

“Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?”
“What is your attitude toward salvaging a troubled marriage versus helping couples break up?”
“What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?”
“What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”
“Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship.” “What percentage break up while they are seeing you?” “What percentage do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?”

Source: 1999 address to the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education conference in Washington, D.C., University of Minnesota Professor William Doherty. (Originally posted 8/8/14)