Do You Like Valentine's Day?

We’re in the middle of National Marriage week that ends with a bang on Valentine’s Day.

Interesting juxtapositioning. I say that because from the vantage point of a couples therapist as well as a woman in a marriage that began in 1986, I believe the two have little to do with each other. What?! Isn’t marriage about romance, gifting, and overpriced prix-fixe dinners?

No.

Marriage is about loving another person because it’s one of the reasons we’re on this planet. It’s seeing him or her for who they are...with acceptance. It’s having boundaries that keep the two of you protected within a safe and loving bubble. A bubble into which even the kids (if you have them) are not invited.

According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages” our calling within a marriage is to discover how the other person takes in love, and then do those things  - regularly! Does she feel most loved when receiving physical touch or words of affirmation? Does he need gifts or quality time from you to feel all warm and fuzzy? Or for either, is it acts of service that fill him or her up? What’s your love language? Share it. Your partner’s? Learn it.

Now, back to Valentine’s Day: My father always said he preferred a random Tuesday to Valentine’s Day. What did he mean? It’s all about expectations. On a Tuesday at 7pm when your spouse grabs your plate and unexpectedly finishes the dishes, that feels good. Or if he or she unexpectedly looks at you lovingly or longingly, what a welcome surprise! On Valentine’s Day many of us expect to do or feel or receive in a certain way and if it doesn’t come to pass, we can feel disappointed. Not always, but the level of expectation affects how it all plays out.

So, whether it’s National Marriage Week, or Valentine’s Day, or a random Tuesday, I think we can all agree that it feels good to give love as well as receive it. The gestures don’t have to be on-demand with high Holiday expectations attached, they can simply be authentic to your unique relationship.

Ever Feel Vain or Bitter?

Desiderata blog 5
 
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
 
OK, lovely people, I need to tell you that the above sentence, by far, runs most frequently through my head and comes out of my mouth more often than any other portion of the Desiderata. Hands down.
 
I need to remind myself of what is happening when I feel icky on either side of the spectrum. Too cocky? Oh, I’m comparing and coming out on top. Feeling fierce? I’m comparing and losing the game.
 
How often do you tell yourself (most likely not even true) that this or that person has a better or worse set of circumstances than you? And as the result, what’s the ensuing feeling?
 
How briefly satisfying is that vain/smug feeling? Interestingly, does the bitter feeling associated with seeing others as “better than you” last longer? Wow.
 
How about we do away with both ways of comparing? Since I grew up re-re-re-re reading the Desiderata, I’ve done my best to follow this suggestion throughout my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel envious or smug at times. I just don’t spend a lot of time there. Seems like a waste of time.
 
How about you? What can you do instead? I believe all of our time is best spent loving the people we care about the most, including ourselves, and letting the rest go...