Perfection Illusion

“Perfection is eating us from the inside out.” 

I can’t take credit for the insight associated with the above quote. Like many interesting and helpful things my clients and I  co-create, this one came from my client, not out of any advanced graduate school textbooks.

 Here’s what I take from it...

 Somewhere along the way some of us decided that perfection is the pursuit; the goal. It’s a ‘pro-social’ concept. “Pursuit of perfection” makes a powerful statement if you’re writing ads for Lexus, but not if it’s driving you as a human being. 

 When working with people I do my best to reframe “perfect” to “ideal.” Ideal is not perfect, it’s awesome. 

 How wonderful to have the ideal body for your actual frame and height and age...with that ‘ideal’ concept ever evolving as you learn more about nutrition and healthy exercise.

 How great to be in an ideal relationship because you’ve worked your asses off to show up as your truest selves, see and hear each other, and clean up ruptures regularly, fairly soon after they happen (which they WILL, even in ideal relationships!)

 How wonderful to find the ideal learning environment for YOU? One in which you fit well, are understood, and find your way to grow at your pace, with opportunities to push yourself toward excellence.

 None of the above scenarios are perfect because perfect doesn’t exist...except maybe in a flower or a newborn’s tiny fingers. 

I'm stress cleaning, how are you coping?

COVID musing #2

Depending on where you live in the US, we’re about one week into taking this virus very seriously. I don’t want to speak for you, but that’s my experience. What the #&%#& is going on? 

“Unprecedented”, “shelter in place”, “social distancing”, “hoarding toilet paper”, “self quarantine”, “pandemic”, “closed until further notice”, “graduation ceremony cancelled”, "exponential", “WFH set up”, “curb-side delivery”. These are all phrases that are part of our new normal.

How about: “stress eating”, Stress cooking”, “stress baking”, stress cleaning”? That's what I did Monday and Tuesday. I also practiced “Telehealth” with my clients. More people than ever know what that means - using computers or smartphones, along with technology, to remotely do a therapy session with clients. I’m grateful that we have the ability to connect remotely (and thank you to my clients open to the idea, you know who you are!) with people. Mostly for the CONNECTION, less the REMOTE. 

Healthcare workers around the world are using telehealth to screen patients to prevent overwhelming ERs where they may share the virus. But our healthcare workers are also putting themselves in harm's way as they do their jobs - NOT remotely. THANK YOU. I’m hearing and reading how they’re getting sick and how hard it is to reconcile their work with keeping themselves and their families well. There are no easy answers.

As a therapist who works with families and couples (as well as individuals) I am imagining the fallout of this health crisis on relationships and mental health. As we self quarantine for days...weeks...our coping skills may run thin. For some being with family is safe, for others it is not. For many it’s in-between. 

If we remember to exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, put our screens down and breathe, that may help, but it feels rather contrite to be giving that ‘advice’ right now. I don't know what you need any better than you. What I do know is that we are all going to be stretched thin and ‘living in the not knowing’ is HARD. And we’re all in this together. 

PS: "Control what we can control" tip of the day, if you use reusable cloth grocery bags, wash them in the washing machine - frequently!

Ever Feel Vain or Bitter?

Desiderata blog 5
 
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
 
OK, lovely people, I need to tell you that the above sentence, by far, runs most frequently through my head and comes out of my mouth more often than any other portion of the Desiderata. Hands down.
 
I need to remind myself of what is happening when I feel icky on either side of the spectrum. Too cocky? Oh, I’m comparing and coming out on top. Feeling fierce? I’m comparing and losing the game.
 
How often do you tell yourself (most likely not even true) that this or that person has a better or worse set of circumstances than you? And as the result, what’s the ensuing feeling?
 
How briefly satisfying is that vain/smug feeling? Interestingly, does the bitter feeling associated with seeing others as “better than you” last longer? Wow.
 
How about we do away with both ways of comparing? Since I grew up re-re-re-re reading the Desiderata, I’ve done my best to follow this suggestion throughout my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel envious or smug at times. I just don’t spend a lot of time there. Seems like a waste of time.
 
How about you? What can you do instead? I believe all of our time is best spent loving the people we care about the most, including ourselves, and letting the rest go...

Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

"An ounce of prevention..."

We've all heard "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ." When I was little it was likely said in reference to taking vitamin C or wearing a coat to avoid a cold. I see it differently now that I'm all grown up and fortunate enough to spend my work time helping people navigate relationships. 

How do I interpret the old saying now? In many ways. Here are some:

• Say something to your child when you have 'that feeling' that something's not quite right. She may be going through a rough patch and hasn't found the words yet to tell you what's up. Be the mature adult you are and open up space for her to express herself. Dealing with issues as they're developing can help prevent them from growing into larger problems that will require more effort and energy to resolve.
• Trust your gut. Always. Whether it's a situation at work or an ache or pain, your gut (figurative or actual!) is telling you something. Listen. 
• Don't wait. Research has found that people, on average, delay seeking psychological help for seven years from the beginning of their distress until they make the call. Seven. In my practice, those who seek help earlier than later feel better sooner. This applies especially to couples. 
• Another saying I like is that we can't solve problems with the same thinking that caused them. That's why seeking help from a therapist is helpful. We have training that allows us to approach solutions from a point of view you may not have considered. 

What's on your mind or heart that you've been avoiding dealing with? Can I help? It would be my pleasure. 

Perfect: the "P- word"

"What's the perfect thing to say when a friend loses a loved one?"

"Why isn't my family perfect like theirs?"

"S/he has the perfect body."

These are things people think and talk about frequently. The "P-word" gets thrown around in my office on a regular basis. When you think about it, it's tortuous to constantly be striving for perfection. We've all heard, "nothing's perfect" but many of us still expend a lot of energy working toward the elusive goal of perfection. Why? I think it's because we make assumptions about what we see and hear. When you walk down the halls or streets and see the shiny happy people, (thanks R.E.M.) do you assume that everything's perfect in their lives because it looks that way? Urban Dictionary's interpretation of "Shiny Happy People" lyrics:

"The term is based on a Chinese propaganda poster popularized by REM in the song of the same name. It's a term that determines that people are faking happiness or false happiness in order to fool the outside world that there are no problems. Shiny Happy People are effectively massive fakes. Look at that picture they just put up on Facebook they are all shiny happy people."

Bottom line: find your SELF, BE yourself and spend less time on social media feeling bad because your actual life is less perfect than their curated, virtual lives. Go outside, move your body, call a friend. Breathe.

Oh, and a good (not perfect) thing to say when someone loses a loved one is "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I don't know what to say." It's authentic. Be authentic. Be kind to yourself and others.

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. -Ian Maclaren or Plato or Philo of Alexandria

Growth through trying something new

Four years ago I hired a professional to build me a website. I think she did a great job. It was pricey and took a long time, but that's what I expected four years ago. Two weeks ago my 20-something children informed me that I needed to re-do my site on SquareSpace because it's easy to make and easy to edit. Terrific! That's what I want. Easy and easy. What I 'needed' first was for one of them to step up and build it for me. "No." Really? They have their own lives and possess no interest in building a website for their 50-something mother - here's the good part - if she can do it herself. Could I? Well, after some learning and struggling and mistakes and creativity and fun, I did! I guess it worked because you're on the new site and reading this blog that I wrote and published SO EASILY. Thanks boys! Thanks for pushing me to grow. It hurt a little, but not too much. 

The changing look of work

What does your work look like? Do you work in an office and dress the part or do you work from home and wear what’s most comfortable? What hours do you work? Can you reliably be found in your office or do you conduct your business from wherever you are with your cell and laptop? If you work remotely, where’s your office? Is it your car? The local library? Your home? When are you inspired?

If you’re a parent of young children, how do you integrate caring for your children and your work. Can you work remotely if your child is sick? If you have a partner how do you decide who puts work on hold for the day? Does technology make this easier?

When you’re working do you feel authentic, alive, or is it time to figure out what to do next that will likely be a better fit? Have you been out of the paid workforce for a period of time and ready to get back in but not sure where to start?

I’m asking these questions because I’ve been thinking lately about how wonderful it is that the look and feel of work is changing. Work environments vary more now than ever, in large part, due to technology. While more choices can make it harder to decide what to do, having more choices ultimately offers us the chance to home in on a ‘best fit’ work or career choice. I’d love to hear your thoughts. (Originally posted 12/10/12)

On being 'busy'

It was over 15 years ago when I first remember being introduced to the concept that nobody cares if I’m busy; if you’re busy. This stuck with me and I made a vow to avoid saying “I’m busy.”

Why? Let’s break it down. I didn’t want to send an unintended message when using the word. How do people interpret what you mean when you say you’re busy?

“I feel important”
“My time is valuable”
”My free time is valuable”
”I have no free time”
”I manage my time well”
”I like being busy”
”I can’t seem to find time for myself”
”You’re lucky that I made time for you”
”I value our time together”
”I’m filling my time with important things that I value”
”I’m worried about not having enough to do”
“Busy” to me means that I’m living a full life”
”When I say I’m busy I’m complaining”
”When I say I’m busy I’m satisfied”

How do you talk at work and at home about being busy? Could others misinterpret your meaning? How do you make yourself clear?

What’s it like to NOT be busy? (Originally posted 12/12/12)

Before you start couples therapy

Here’s a great list of questions you should ask before you hire a couples therapist. I highly recommend being a careful and selective consumer. I welcome these questions. Feel free to give me a call. I think you’ll be pleased with my answers.

“Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?”
“What is your attitude toward salvaging a troubled marriage versus helping couples break up?”
“What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?”
“What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”
“Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship.” “What percentage break up while they are seeing you?” “What percentage do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?”

Source: 1999 address to the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education conference in Washington, D.C., University of Minnesota Professor William Doherty. (Originally posted 8/8/14)