COVID musing #3

I have dedicated my life and career to understanding relationships and walking the talk. With that being said, I still ‘got into it’ with my husband Sunday morning. It was only day 10-ish of stay-at-home and it was happening already? Discouraging.

What was it about? Basically, he asked if I had cleaned the container from the store and I answered, “yes.” He asked, “really?” Why did that bug me and why did I, truth be told, snap at him? Who really cares, right? What happened next is what is important to me. I apologized and he responded with grace and it was over. Really.
 

I tell you this little slice-of-life vignette because I don’t think we’re alone in being more on edge than normal right now. Relationships are being affected by all of these unknowns.

People who normally aren’t living together ARE for now. High school and college kids are likely missing their celebrations and graduations. Parents who work inside and (formerly) outside the home are charged with homeschooling. Don’t even get me started about the economy! There’s more togetherness and a lot more dishes.
 

If you find yourself, like me, getting agitated more easily, what are you doing when it happens?  Are you asking for what you need and if so, what DO you need? In marriages, one usually needs more space while the other needs more connection. How do you negotiate those differences?

Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

Procrastination

Happy new year! How much longer can I legit offer that greeting? A few more weeks. I made up that rule. I'm focusing on the date because I have not published a blog post since November 29th. 2017. I Skipped right over the holidays. It wasn't my plan. It just happened.

"It just happened" is a phrase people use to explain why they did something, or maybe didn't do something. Not my favorite. I consider it an excuse, especially when I utter it. I can only speak for myself here when I say that "it just happened" lacks accountability. So instead of leaving it at that, I will explain why I have not blogged in over two months.

I've procrastinated. I've lacked the follow through required to think, write, edit, re-write, publish, and 'broadcast' my message on social media and via email. There, I said it. Hey, I've written a lot of potential blog posts that I just didn't finish. I've jotted down ideas for future blogs but didn't write them. Truth be told, I haven't been too busy either. I simply haven't done it. So I don't have an excuse, just an explanation.

Why does this matter to you? Maybe it doesn't, but if it does it may be because you can relate to having put things off until, well, later.

How does this relate to relationships? Can you come up with some things you've put off in your relationships? Do any of these sound familiar?

-Avoiding speaking to your spouse or partner about finances

-Wishing you and your neighbor can resolve 'that issue' but not doing anything about it

-Hoping your child will decide for her or himself to reduce screen time, but not using your parental authority to create a new structure to support it, regardless of your child (temporarily!) being angry with you

-Shying away from the talk you need to have with your aging parents about their end of life wishes

-Sidestepping the direct conversation you want to have with a loved one about how their substance abuse is affecting you

Do you have a plan to take that next first step in your life and relationships that will move you forward in 2018...or simply move you forward today? What is it? What's your anti-procrastination plan today?

Post-Thanksgiving: Pleased, Relieved, Sad?

In our country, we pause during the last Thursday in November every year to commemorate Thanksgiving. The holiday has many meanings but primarily we gather with friends and family to eat, drink, and be merry. Some of us serve meals in houses of worship and community centers to those in our midst who don't have another place to go for a warm meal and a kind word.

Regardless of your tradition, it's fair to assume we're all around people with whom we share some sort of relationship; bound by genetics, choice, or circumstance. And when human beings gather... things happen. We share food, we have opinions about the food as well as opinions about each other's choices, and the state of our intimate worlds as well as the ever-changing world around us.

Now that I've so gently set this up...I'll ask this: did any of you fight with your parents, siblings, extended family, or anybody else over Thanksgiving? Was it awkward? Were your expectations high and you found yourself disappointed? Or, are you relieved that things went pretty well this year? Today do you feel pleased, relieved, or sad? Or something else? With whom are you commiserating or celebrating..."The family you choose", aka your friends? Your coworkers? Somebody else?

let's admit it...bottom line...Wednesday night through Sunday night with a lot of people in your space or being out of your normal routine can be stressful. How do you and those important to you handle stress? Do you clam up, grin an bear it, talk about it, let it go? We've all learned ways of coping through our life experiences. Some ways of coping work better than others and affect outcomes of long holiday weekends.

I've had my share of Thanksgiving weekends of each 'flavor.' I've walked away regretful, exhausted, sad, and thrilled. Some years all four! This year, I must admit, was wonderful! We had thirteen adults who all behaved, shared the work, and enjoyed each other. No babies, toddlers, or teenagers though...maybe that's why!

How about you?

Who Do You Turn To When You’re Scared?

Yesterday marked another day of terror on this planet. Specifically, it happened 50 miles from where I sit and type. A 29-year-old man, maybe functioning as a ’lone wolf’ terrorized New Yorkers and tourists. He killed eight people and injured 12 or more by plowing them down with a rented truck on a walking/bike path in lower Manhattan’s west side. On Halloween; a time when it’s likely more families are walking around the City. Families with kids in tow.

The moment I got the awful alert on my phone I reached out to my A-team - my adult kids and husband - to make sure they were safe. After receiving those reassurances I immediately felt deep sadness for those who were not safe - and for their families around the globe. They have A-teams too, and for them yesterday was a nightmare.

Who do we care about most and focus on when the world is scary? People for whom we have the safest relationships. People we know will return our text, take our call, and listen to our fears. People we want to hold tight.

I work hard to help people identify, cultivate, and cherish those special relationships. We don’t need a lot of them, but we need them on the best of days, and like yesterday, on the worst of days.

Who are your special people? Are you nurturing and growing your relationships with them or do you need help? Have you neglected your most important relationships and are you ready to make changes?   We all need help sometimes. 

Wisdom from a 96 year old

Speaking of relationships, (as I constantly do, just ask my husband!) I have a lovely relationship with a 96-year-old man who happens to be my step-father. He’s also a recent widower. 

Since my mother died in December I believe he’s been quite lonely. They were married later in life and were able to enjoy 16 wonderful years together. What a gift. He’s made a lot of changes since she passed as well as continuing something he and my mom had done all their years together. He sends his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren cards marking all birthdays and anniversaries. And he does the same for all of my siblings (seven!) and our children and grandchildren. That’s no easy feat.

Consequently, we are staying in touch. Certainly more than if he wasn’t consistently mailing lovely notes. In our last round of correspondence he wrote a few things I deemed worthy of sharing, and with his permission, here goes:

With all of Bill’s education, (MIT) wisdom, and work experience running a large technology business near Boston for decades (GenRad), here’s what he came up with, to sum up his life, and I quote:

“I thought of two four-word statements - one to express my optimistic view of my own life to date ("So far, so good!") and the other to express the goal for my future life (“Just keep going.”)”

That’s all. How wonderful that Bill is able to see his 96 years so simply...” so far, so good!”  The wisdom I read into his summation is that life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Yes, we all face challenges, and no life is perfect, it shouldn’t be, (how, then would we learn?) but in the long run, a positive attitude like Bill’s goes a long way toward a long life well lived. 

And to quote a portion of the Desiderata that my sister in law Pamela read at my mother’s memorial, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Taking Risks

In 2007 I wrote my first mission statement. In 2014 I noticed I had achieved the goals set forth, (quite shockingly) and needed to create another mission. Ugh. Not just a statement, a mission. Here it is:

July 29, 2014: My creativity is the key to my success. As my own boss, I collaborate with other smart, bold, and empathetic people as we support each other’s pursuit of knowledge and creative direction. I make a difference in people’s lives and I am an opinion leader. I accept my weaknesses and invite help from others. When faced with fear I keep going. 

I’m sharing this with you today because of the last sentence. 

I started “Betsey’s Blog” (in my mind) earlier this year. I tried to figure out how to do it and either failed or got frustrated numerous times. So I stopped. Several times. And then I reread my mission and started again, and gave up again. All summer long. 

Then I reread my mission one more time and decided to believe the person who wrote it. I decided to believe that “when faced with fear I keep going.” What was I afraid of? What was I risking? Criticism, negative feedback, judgment, rejection. Yes.

Well, sending out my first “Betsey’s Blog” was risky. I did get some negative feedback, and it stung. It took a while for me to work through the feelings that resulted from criticism, rejection, and harsh judgment. 

And as I think about it now, each feeling was in relation to another person. That’s why I’m so passionate about being a relationship therapist. I love working with people to help them make changes in their most important relationships. And I do it, in part, because I’m fully aware how important relationships are to me. 

So, I’m still here. I faced my fear and kept going.

What are you afraid of? 

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it. 

Neat v. Messy in Relationships

Each of us tends toward neat or messy. And if we’re truly honest with ourselves we know toward which end of the spectrum we reside. There is a cultural bias toward being neat as a superior way of being, but I don’t buy it.

I’m writing this from a relational perspective. By that I mean I believe how we are in our homes and our offices matters to those around us; our coworkers, and more pointedly, our partners with whom we live. They care. A lot.

And as chance would have it we often partner up with someone on the other end of the neat-messy spectrum. Is this a problem? Well, it can be dealt with well and it can be a disaster. 

Here’s the ‘ouch’ scenario: Partner 1 needs order in her physical world. Having things neat and clean at all times, almost regardless of the circumstances, is #1 on her list of most important things. Partner 2 feels like life is to be lived and constantly worrying about the order of things takes away from being present and enjoying life. The OUCH comes when she expects him to do everything to her standards. Or the OUCH comes when he criticizes her for “being OCD.”

One way for a couple to navigate these potentially stormy waters is to put the issue out on the counter and face it head on. This eliminates or minimizes partners acting out their frustrations. I advocate for talking it out to avoid acting it out.

The overall goal of these conversations is to honor the wishes as well as differences between partners. “Hey, if you want X done exactly that way, I get it, you make sense. I’m not confident I will do it that way so let’s figure out if you want to take care of it or if we need to bring somebody in to help.” Or, “I get that this is not a priority for you and I’m working on understanding that because I love you. I see that we’re different and trust we can work this out so we can focus on things important to both of us like our relationship or a shared activity.”

One way of being is not better or worse, it’s how we honor the ‘other’ in our lives that affects how large the difference looms in the relationship.