COVID musing #3

I have dedicated my life and career to understanding relationships and walking the talk. With that being said, I still ‘got into it’ with my husband Sunday morning. It was only day 10-ish of stay-at-home and it was happening already? Discouraging.

What was it about? Basically, he asked if I had cleaned the container from the store and I answered, “yes.” He asked, “really?” Why did that bug me and why did I, truth be told, snap at him? Who really cares, right? What happened next is what is important to me. I apologized and he responded with grace and it was over. Really.
 

I tell you this little slice-of-life vignette because I don’t think we’re alone in being more on edge than normal right now. Relationships are being affected by all of these unknowns.

People who normally aren’t living together ARE for now. High school and college kids are likely missing their celebrations and graduations. Parents who work inside and (formerly) outside the home are charged with homeschooling. Don’t even get me started about the economy! There’s more togetherness and a lot more dishes.
 

If you find yourself, like me, getting agitated more easily, what are you doing when it happens?  Are you asking for what you need and if so, what DO you need? In marriages, one usually needs more space while the other needs more connection. How do you negotiate those differences?

I'm stress cleaning, how are you coping?

COVID musing #2

Depending on where you live in the US, we’re about one week into taking this virus very seriously. I don’t want to speak for you, but that’s my experience. What the #&%#& is going on? 

“Unprecedented”, “shelter in place”, “social distancing”, “hoarding toilet paper”, “self quarantine”, “pandemic”, “closed until further notice”, “graduation ceremony cancelled”, "exponential", “WFH set up”, “curb-side delivery”. These are all phrases that are part of our new normal.

How about: “stress eating”, Stress cooking”, “stress baking”, stress cleaning”? That's what I did Monday and Tuesday. I also practiced “Telehealth” with my clients. More people than ever know what that means - using computers or smartphones, along with technology, to remotely do a therapy session with clients. I’m grateful that we have the ability to connect remotely (and thank you to my clients open to the idea, you know who you are!) with people. Mostly for the CONNECTION, less the REMOTE. 

Healthcare workers around the world are using telehealth to screen patients to prevent overwhelming ERs where they may share the virus. But our healthcare workers are also putting themselves in harm's way as they do their jobs - NOT remotely. THANK YOU. I’m hearing and reading how they’re getting sick and how hard it is to reconcile their work with keeping themselves and their families well. There are no easy answers.

As a therapist who works with families and couples (as well as individuals) I am imagining the fallout of this health crisis on relationships and mental health. As we self quarantine for days...weeks...our coping skills may run thin. For some being with family is safe, for others it is not. For many it’s in-between. 

If we remember to exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, put our screens down and breathe, that may help, but it feels rather contrite to be giving that ‘advice’ right now. I don't know what you need any better than you. What I do know is that we are all going to be stretched thin and ‘living in the not knowing’ is HARD. And we’re all in this together. 

PS: "Control what we can control" tip of the day, if you use reusable cloth grocery bags, wash them in the washing machine - frequently!

Walk/Run in the Other Direction!

Desiderata 4
 
“Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.“
 
This portion of Desiderata comes from a rather negative angle, and that’s not normally my style. In this case, I will make an exception and share that I wholeheartedly agree with the message. Yes, it could have been written differently…something such as, “Spend time with people who feed your soul”-ish. NAW! That is NOT the message.
 
The message, as I read it is: “Pay attention to the awfulness that just might be around you at any given time and don’t let it mess with you by buying into it, and…run! Don’t let obnoxious, bombastic, and loud people mess with your calm and compassionate self.”
 
We need to set boundaries for ourselves that reflect our values. I choose not to spend time with loud people who exude negativity or express themselves in a way that makes others wrong. I need to protect myself from their vexations! I value peace and living a no-drama life, so when I feel my body tensing from an interaction, I find a way to be somewhere else. And I try my best to not make that other person wrong or bad.
 
HOWEVER…in addition to the above…as a relationship therapist I can’t help but see the hurt little child in every bombastic person and, instead of asking myself, “what’s wrong with him or her?” I ask, “What happened to him or her.” Another value I hold dear is to be kind. What do you hold dear and how do you protect your spirit?

Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)