COVID musing #3

I have dedicated my life and career to understanding relationships and walking the talk. With that being said, I still ‘got into it’ with my husband Sunday morning. It was only day 10-ish of stay-at-home and it was happening already? Discouraging.

What was it about? Basically, he asked if I had cleaned the container from the store and I answered, “yes.” He asked, “really?” Why did that bug me and why did I, truth be told, snap at him? Who really cares, right? What happened next is what is important to me. I apologized and he responded with grace and it was over. Really.
 

I tell you this little slice-of-life vignette because I don’t think we’re alone in being more on edge than normal right now. Relationships are being affected by all of these unknowns.

People who normally aren’t living together ARE for now. High school and college kids are likely missing their celebrations and graduations. Parents who work inside and (formerly) outside the home are charged with homeschooling. Don’t even get me started about the economy! There’s more togetherness and a lot more dishes.
 

If you find yourself, like me, getting agitated more easily, what are you doing when it happens?  Are you asking for what you need and if so, what DO you need? In marriages, one usually needs more space while the other needs more connection. How do you negotiate those differences?

I'm stress cleaning, how are you coping?

COVID musing #2

Depending on where you live in the US, we’re about one week into taking this virus very seriously. I don’t want to speak for you, but that’s my experience. What the #&%#& is going on? 

“Unprecedented”, “shelter in place”, “social distancing”, “hoarding toilet paper”, “self quarantine”, “pandemic”, “closed until further notice”, “graduation ceremony cancelled”, "exponential", “WFH set up”, “curb-side delivery”. These are all phrases that are part of our new normal.

How about: “stress eating”, Stress cooking”, “stress baking”, stress cleaning”? That's what I did Monday and Tuesday. I also practiced “Telehealth” with my clients. More people than ever know what that means - using computers or smartphones, along with technology, to remotely do a therapy session with clients. I’m grateful that we have the ability to connect remotely (and thank you to my clients open to the idea, you know who you are!) with people. Mostly for the CONNECTION, less the REMOTE. 

Healthcare workers around the world are using telehealth to screen patients to prevent overwhelming ERs where they may share the virus. But our healthcare workers are also putting themselves in harm's way as they do their jobs - NOT remotely. THANK YOU. I’m hearing and reading how they’re getting sick and how hard it is to reconcile their work with keeping themselves and their families well. There are no easy answers.

As a therapist who works with families and couples (as well as individuals) I am imagining the fallout of this health crisis on relationships and mental health. As we self quarantine for days...weeks...our coping skills may run thin. For some being with family is safe, for others it is not. For many it’s in-between. 

If we remember to exercise, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, put our screens down and breathe, that may help, but it feels rather contrite to be giving that ‘advice’ right now. I don't know what you need any better than you. What I do know is that we are all going to be stretched thin and ‘living in the not knowing’ is HARD. And we’re all in this together. 

PS: "Control what we can control" tip of the day, if you use reusable cloth grocery bags, wash them in the washing machine - frequently!

Walk/Run in the Other Direction!

Desiderata 4
 
“Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.“
 
This portion of Desiderata comes from a rather negative angle, and that’s not normally my style. In this case, I will make an exception and share that I wholeheartedly agree with the message. Yes, it could have been written differently…something such as, “Spend time with people who feed your soul”-ish. NAW! That is NOT the message.
 
The message, as I read it is: “Pay attention to the awfulness that just might be around you at any given time and don’t let it mess with you by buying into it, and…run! Don’t let obnoxious, bombastic, and loud people mess with your calm and compassionate self.”
 
We need to set boundaries for ourselves that reflect our values. I choose not to spend time with loud people who exude negativity or express themselves in a way that makes others wrong. I need to protect myself from their vexations! I value peace and living a no-drama life, so when I feel my body tensing from an interaction, I find a way to be somewhere else. And I try my best to not make that other person wrong or bad.
 
HOWEVER…in addition to the above…as a relationship therapist I can’t help but see the hurt little child in every bombastic person and, instead of asking myself, “what’s wrong with him or her?” I ask, “What happened to him or her.” Another value I hold dear is to be kind. What do you hold dear and how do you protect your spirit?

HOW MUCH ENERGY?

Desiderata blog 2

“As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.”

How much energy does it take to be on good terms with all persons? At first glance, it may seem like way too much. But let’s break it down. 'Good terms' doesn’t mean you’re best friends with everybody. The quote means to me that it’s a good idea to do our best to get along with others as long as we don’t compromise too much or surrender our SELF in the meantime. Sounds reasonable. 

Sometimes, however, in order to be on “good terms” with someone, it’s necessary to let go of a lot of things that anger and annoy you...and just breathe. That gives us a moment to pause until we can change the scenery and protect ourselves. Sometimes what we come up with is “I’ve got to go," or “I have something I need to do." It works. No need for drama. Terms are still good but we haven’t given up too much. Oh, and let's not forget that we have no CONTROL over how the other person reacts or responds. So, accordingly, let's not spend too much time trying to.

Other times we can open our hearts completely and surrender (a different kind of surrender!) all our defenses because that special someone is just so safe. That kind of safety cannot be with 'all persons.' We are lucky if we find one or a few precious people in a lifetime with whom we can completely be ourselves. Embrace those ones!

Most relationships with people fall somewhere in-between unsafe and (good) surrender-worthy. Around them, we generally feel ok and it doesn’t take much energy to be on good terms. Phew!

If the quote above is not in your daily practice, how much of your energy are you spending NOT being on good terms with others? 

Post-Thanksgiving: Pleased, Relieved, Sad?

In our country, we pause during the last Thursday in November every year to commemorate Thanksgiving. The holiday has many meanings but primarily we gather with friends and family to eat, drink, and be merry. Some of us serve meals in houses of worship and community centers to those in our midst who don't have another place to go for a warm meal and a kind word.

Regardless of your tradition, it's fair to assume we're all around people with whom we share some sort of relationship; bound by genetics, choice, or circumstance. And when human beings gather... things happen. We share food, we have opinions about the food as well as opinions about each other's choices, and the state of our intimate worlds as well as the ever-changing world around us.

Now that I've so gently set this up...I'll ask this: did any of you fight with your parents, siblings, extended family, or anybody else over Thanksgiving? Was it awkward? Were your expectations high and you found yourself disappointed? Or, are you relieved that things went pretty well this year? Today do you feel pleased, relieved, or sad? Or something else? With whom are you commiserating or celebrating..."The family you choose", aka your friends? Your coworkers? Somebody else?

let's admit it...bottom line...Wednesday night through Sunday night with a lot of people in your space or being out of your normal routine can be stressful. How do you and those important to you handle stress? Do you clam up, grin an bear it, talk about it, let it go? We've all learned ways of coping through our life experiences. Some ways of coping work better than others and affect outcomes of long holiday weekends.

I've had my share of Thanksgiving weekends of each 'flavor.' I've walked away regretful, exhausted, sad, and thrilled. Some years all four! This year, I must admit, was wonderful! We had thirteen adults who all behaved, shared the work, and enjoyed each other. No babies, toddlers, or teenagers though...maybe that's why!

How about you?