HOW MUCH ENERGY?

Desiderata blog 2

“As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.”

How much energy does it take to be on good terms with all persons? At first glance, it may seem like way too much. But let’s break it down. 'Good terms' doesn’t mean you’re best friends with everybody. The quote means to me that it’s a good idea to do our best to get along with others as long as we don’t compromise too much or surrender our SELF in the meantime. Sounds reasonable. 

Sometimes, however, in order to be on “good terms” with someone, it’s necessary to let go of a lot of things that anger and annoy you...and just breathe. That gives us a moment to pause until we can change the scenery and protect ourselves. Sometimes what we come up with is “I’ve got to go," or “I have something I need to do." It works. No need for drama. Terms are still good but we haven’t given up too much. Oh, and let's not forget that we have no CONTROL over how the other person reacts or responds. So, accordingly, let's not spend too much time trying to.

Other times we can open our hearts completely and surrender (a different kind of surrender!) all our defenses because that special someone is just so safe. That kind of safety cannot be with 'all persons.' We are lucky if we find one or a few precious people in a lifetime with whom we can completely be ourselves. Embrace those ones!

Most relationships with people fall somewhere in-between unsafe and (good) surrender-worthy. Around them, we generally feel ok and it doesn’t take much energy to be on good terms. Phew!

If the quote above is not in your daily practice, how much of your energy are you spending NOT being on good terms with others? 

January is "Find a Therapist" Month

I’d like to welcome you all back to your regularly scheduled lives. Isn’t that how it feels when January comes around? I’m certainly feeling that way a little bit. So many (wonderful?) distractions have consumed our time for the past couple of months and now here we are: winter and January. What to do?

I don’t have official statistics but I’m boldly dubbing January “Find a Therapist Month.” Why? Well, because I've noticed many people start therapy in the new year. Here’s the good and bad news: there is little over which we actually have control. It's bad because most things are outside our control; good because we DO have control over making changes in our lives. We influence others, we control ourselves. Or we can learn to control ourselves.

How? The how can be in choosing to dive into therapy. Yes, I said dive...no toe dipping! I’ve found that the more open people are to looking honestly at themselves in therapy, the more effective and efficient it is.

Here’s an example: I can’t fix anybody in my life. First, they’re not broken! Second, the most effective and sustainable way to change the way I’m affected by that person is to explore how *I may be part of the problem and decide how to make changes in my approach. Those changes over which I DO have control, change the ‘dance’ between the other person and me.

I can help you start the process of change. Call me if you’re looking for a therapist. If what you need is not in my wheelhouse, I have a significant network of other therapist with other specialties who I can refer you to. We live in a community and part of our community consists of people ready to help you face the cold and January with new tools to help you heal and grow. This is the kind of resolution that can stick.

*In abusive and unsafe situations, the approach is different. Finding and assuring safety is the #1 priority.