Speak My Truth AND Listen?

Desiderata blog 3

“Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.”

My truth. My truth is not right or wrong. I’m entitled to have a unique perspective on things and so are you. Speaking my truth quietly and clearly is a skill I’ve been working on for 56 years (minus those I hadn’t learned to speak quite yet!). And yet, I’ve failed. In fact, I’ve failed in the times when I needed clarity and calmness the most. 

Why? Probably because I didn’t listen. How often do you find yourself in an argument with someone when you’re convinced you’re “right,” and after a cool down period, you later discover the other person actually had a fair point of view? It’s amazing how ‘on fire’ our brains can be when we’re triggered. 

When I ‘fail’, I do my best, after a brain-chill, to repair. Repair, often knows as ‘making an apology,’ saying “I’m sorry,” is one of the key components to healing and growth in relationships. 

“...the dull and ignorant..”, an interesting concept. I’d like to acknowledge that, at times, I’VE been both dull and ignorant. It’s not just ‘somebody else’ we’re referring to here, people! My interpretation is that having patience for self and others when they or we are not at our best is a gracious way to live. Especially in our most important relationships.  It’s a loving action to listen to people when it’s hardest. They too have their story.

(This is the 3rd in a series of posts about Desiderata - a poem I grew up reading every day because it was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. Seriously.)

"An ounce of prevention..."

We've all heard "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ." When I was little it was likely said in reference to taking vitamin C or wearing a coat to avoid a cold. I see it differently now that I'm all grown up and fortunate enough to spend my work time helping people navigate relationships. 

How do I interpret the old saying now? In many ways. Here are some:

• Say something to your child when you have 'that feeling' that something's not quite right. She may be going through a rough patch and hasn't found the words yet to tell you what's up. Be the mature adult you are and open up space for her to express herself. Dealing with issues as they're developing can help prevent them from growing into larger problems that will require more effort and energy to resolve.
• Trust your gut. Always. Whether it's a situation at work or an ache or pain, your gut (figurative or actual!) is telling you something. Listen. 
• Don't wait. Research has found that people, on average, delay seeking psychological help for seven years from the beginning of their distress until they make the call. Seven. In my practice, those who seek help earlier than later feel better sooner. This applies especially to couples. 
• Another saying I like is that we can't solve problems with the same thinking that caused them. That's why seeking help from a therapist is helpful. We have training that allows us to approach solutions from a point of view you may not have considered. 

What's on your mind or heart that you've been avoiding dealing with? Can I help? It would be my pleasure.