Social Distancing??

Friday the 13th COVID update. Ironic, right?!

We are amidst a crisis the likes of which we have never experienced. I want to acknowledge the grieving loved ones of the people who have died. Even though the percentages are low, this virus kills. Below are some of the unprecedented changes made in the past few days to stem the spread of the virus:

Entire school systems are closed - some indefinitely 

A large percentage of workers are working from home

Officials are considering shutting down entire public transportation systems 

Several professional sports leagues are cancelled or suspended

Concerts around the world are being cancelled

Air travel is being reduced by Delta by 40%

Grocery store shelves are depleted

Broadway is dark

I could go on, but I won’t because the purpose of this blog is NOT to make you MORE anxious. What I want to do is twofold; highlight unintended human consequences of the crisis recommendations, and point out some good that may come out of this awful situation.

Just today, our town officials broadcast, “Social gatherings, large and small are discouraged until the virus has run its course.” In times of crisis, what we normally do is band together. Our health districts are understandably telling us to do just the opposite. One unintended consequence of new “social distancing” practices is that people are increasingly anxious, scared, and lonely. People naturally want to be and feel connected and when that's taken away people suffer.

Can anything GOOD can come out of this? Here are some positive possibilities.

It’s possible that some relationships can be well maintained and grown during this crisis. How? Technology! While many of us over-use technology at times, using it well now can help bridge the human to human connection gap. My suggestion is that you FaceTime, text, call, email, etc., your besties while you’re feeling unsure or isolated. Don't wait to reach out until you feel better. Odds are your friends and family are struggling too. Connect!

Another positive possibility is the opposite of using technology. As we spend more time together at home, we can 'turn back time' a little and do more 'old fashioned-ish' activities. We can put our phones down and play with our kids. We can read more. We can cook more homemade meals. We can dance and exercise at home with our families.

These are some ideas to make the best of a bad situation. I'm sure you can think of even more and better ideas! Use your imaginations and we'll get through this together.

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it. 

Frustration and What to Do With it

It's Monday morning and I decided to begin my week by writing a blog post about structure. I wrote what I think was a pretty darn clever post and was just editing my last paragraph when I deleted the entire post instead of the few words I THOUGHT I was changing. Insert expletive.

What to do, what to do? Here was my thought process: 'Try and re-write exactly what I had written, abandon the whole idea, step away from my desk, cry, give up, make lemonade.'

After failing at "edit, undo" several times and doing my best to calm my accelerating heart, I decided on lemonade. I changed the post to "Frustration..." 

It's ridiculously frustrating to lose things. Keys, wallets (hi honey), several paragraphs of carefully written words, etc. Frustrations are part of everyday living and I think it's better to figure out how to deal instead of white knuckling/hoping nothing goes wrong. 

My list includes some of the above (including crying) as well as taking a break, calling a friend, cleaning something (anything!). My husband knows I'm working through something when he sees me organizing the cabinets. What do you do when you're frustrated? 

(Note: I saved this post several times while writing it to ensure I didn't lose the entire thing...this time. I guess that's another strategy.)

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Here in the Northeast it's raining again. It's cold too. I can see from my phone's app that what we have in store for us today is...clouds, (I'd insert a visual here if I knew how), more clouds, and between a 30-80 % chance of rain from 11am until after midnight, or basically forever. Apparently, reportedly, tomorrow the sun will shine and we'll go up to 57 degrees. But today it's rainy and the temp will hover around 40-ish. Blah.

Hey, I was raised in Rochester, NY and this was normal for us. You know, "Rain-chester." I should be used to it. But I'm not and neither should you! What to do? What to do? Well, there's work and school and volunteering and exercise and eating and playing and planning...but really?

What am I motivated to do today during the sogginess? I WILL go to work and you likely will do your thing too, but how are we going to thrive today considering the weather is clearly conspiring to keep us all in bed with the covers over our heads?

I'm laughing at myself because, as I write this, I'm realizing I've become that person. I'm that person complaining about the ONE thing over which we NEVER have control. The weather. 

Back to thriving. Truth be told, we can all thrive whether it's raining or not. Whether other things in our life are delightfully in order or not. It's all about attitude. And I'm about to change mine as I brew up a tasty cup of coffee...even though I can no longer pour in that creamy half-and-half. Attitude! Almond milk is just fine (really?) and rain helps bring flowers. And, listen! I hear the birds chirping. Welcome Spring. Attitude.

On Being On Time…and Respect

So…in an odd turn of events, I was early to two appointments the other day. One was a dental cleaning and the other was a celebratory coffee with a dear friend. By early I mean 15 solid minutes early. How did that feel? Awesome! In both cases I had time to relax, breathe, feel good about being early, and in one case I sat in the car and paid a few bills. How productive!

I want to be clear, I’m not known as being chronically late, I simply get places on time. By on time I mean, literally, within seconds, AT the appointed time. The other day’s experiences taught me that being, what I will now formerly refer to as “on time”, can be stressful. A few minutes early will become my new on time - or at least I’m setting that as my intention.

Have you ever heard the adage attributed to Eric Jerome Dickey: “Early is on-time, on-time is late, and late is unacceptable”? I wasn’t exposed to this philosophy until my 40s when my niece, having been raised in a military family, shared with me that her parents raised her with this at the core of their time philosophy . Maybe if I had been raised that way I would have learned the virtues of arriving ‘early’ much younger. OR, as things sometimes play out, I would have rebelled against the rigidity of these time rules and become that late person. There is no way to predict outcomes because we’re odd, interesting creatures, aren’t we?

There’s value in teaching our children that being on-time is one way to show respect to others. And living by the above quote is one way to approach things. There are other ways as well. Some people live by the belief that being five minutes late is within socially acceptable parameters. Others find it offensive. Problems occur when we’re interacting with people who live by different assumptions regarding time and therefore make different meanings of their and our actions.

Talking about these things can help eliminate or reduce misunderstandings...but that’s always my solution. No big surprise, I AM a therapist!

Growth through trying something new

Four years ago I hired a professional to build me a website. I think she did a great job. It was pricey and took a long time, but that's what I expected four years ago. Two weeks ago my 20-something children informed me that I needed to re-do my site on SquareSpace because it's easy to make and easy to edit. Terrific! That's what I want. Easy and easy. What I 'needed' first was for one of them to step up and build it for me. "No." Really? They have their own lives and possess no interest in building a website for their 50-something mother - here's the good part - if she can do it herself. Could I? Well, after some learning and struggling and mistakes and creativity and fun, I did! I guess it worked because you're on the new site and reading this blog that I wrote and published SO EASILY. Thanks boys! Thanks for pushing me to grow. It hurt a little, but not too much.