Procrastination

Happy new year! How much longer can I legit offer that greeting? A few more weeks. I made up that rule. I'm focusing on the date because I have not published a blog post since November 29th. 2017. I Skipped right over the holidays. It wasn't my plan. It just happened.

"It just happened" is a phrase people use to explain why they did something, or maybe didn't do something. Not my favorite. I consider it an excuse, especially when I utter it. I can only speak for myself here when I say that "it just happened" lacks accountability. So instead of leaving it at that, I will explain why I have not blogged in over two months.

I've procrastinated. I've lacked the follow through required to think, write, edit, re-write, publish, and 'broadcast' my message on social media and via email. There, I said it. Hey, I've written a lot of potential blog posts that I just didn't finish. I've jotted down ideas for future blogs but didn't write them. Truth be told, I haven't been too busy either. I simply haven't done it. So I don't have an excuse, just an explanation.

Why does this matter to you? Maybe it doesn't, but if it does it may be because you can relate to having put things off until, well, later.

How does this relate to relationships? Can you come up with some things you've put off in your relationships? Do any of these sound familiar?

-Avoiding speaking to your spouse or partner about finances

-Wishing you and your neighbor can resolve 'that issue' but not doing anything about it

-Hoping your child will decide for her or himself to reduce screen time, but not using your parental authority to create a new structure to support it, regardless of your child (temporarily!) being angry with you

-Shying away from the talk you need to have with your aging parents about their end of life wishes

-Sidestepping the direct conversation you want to have with a loved one about how their substance abuse is affecting you

Do you have a plan to take that next first step in your life and relationships that will move you forward in 2018...or simply move you forward today? What is it? What's your anti-procrastination plan today?

Post-Thanksgiving: Pleased, Relieved, Sad?

In our country, we pause during the last Thursday in November every year to commemorate Thanksgiving. The holiday has many meanings but primarily we gather with friends and family to eat, drink, and be merry. Some of us serve meals in houses of worship and community centers to those in our midst who don't have another place to go for a warm meal and a kind word.

Regardless of your tradition, it's fair to assume we're all around people with whom we share some sort of relationship; bound by genetics, choice, or circumstance. And when human beings gather... things happen. We share food, we have opinions about the food as well as opinions about each other's choices, and the state of our intimate worlds as well as the ever-changing world around us.

Now that I've so gently set this up...I'll ask this: did any of you fight with your parents, siblings, extended family, or anybody else over Thanksgiving? Was it awkward? Were your expectations high and you found yourself disappointed? Or, are you relieved that things went pretty well this year? Today do you feel pleased, relieved, or sad? Or something else? With whom are you commiserating or celebrating..."The family you choose", aka your friends? Your coworkers? Somebody else?

let's admit it...bottom line...Wednesday night through Sunday night with a lot of people in your space or being out of your normal routine can be stressful. How do you and those important to you handle stress? Do you clam up, grin an bear it, talk about it, let it go? We've all learned ways of coping through our life experiences. Some ways of coping work better than others and affect outcomes of long holiday weekends.

I've had my share of Thanksgiving weekends of each 'flavor.' I've walked away regretful, exhausted, sad, and thrilled. Some years all four! This year, I must admit, was wonderful! We had thirteen adults who all behaved, shared the work, and enjoyed each other. No babies, toddlers, or teenagers though...maybe that's why!

How about you?

Who Do You Turn To When You’re Scared?

Yesterday marked another day of terror on this planet. Specifically, it happened 50 miles from where I sit and type. A 29-year-old man, maybe functioning as a ’lone wolf’ terrorized New Yorkers and tourists. He killed eight people and injured 12 or more by plowing them down with a rented truck on a walking/bike path in lower Manhattan’s west side. On Halloween; a time when it’s likely more families are walking around the City. Families with kids in tow.

The moment I got the awful alert on my phone I reached out to my A-team - my adult kids and husband - to make sure they were safe. After receiving those reassurances I immediately felt deep sadness for those who were not safe - and for their families around the globe. They have A-teams too, and for them yesterday was a nightmare.

Who do we care about most and focus on when the world is scary? People for whom we have the safest relationships. People we know will return our text, take our call, and listen to our fears. People we want to hold tight.

I work hard to help people identify, cultivate, and cherish those special relationships. We don’t need a lot of them, but we need them on the best of days, and like yesterday, on the worst of days.

Who are your special people? Are you nurturing and growing your relationships with them or do you need help? Have you neglected your most important relationships and are you ready to make changes?   We all need help sometimes. 

Wisdom from a 96 year old

Speaking of relationships, (as I constantly do, just ask my husband!) I have a lovely relationship with a 96-year-old man who happens to be my step-father. He’s also a recent widower. 

Since my mother died in December I believe he’s been quite lonely. They were married later in life and were able to enjoy 16 wonderful years together. What a gift. He’s made a lot of changes since she passed as well as continuing something he and my mom had done all their years together. He sends his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren cards marking all birthdays and anniversaries. And he does the same for all of my siblings (seven!) and our children and grandchildren. That’s no easy feat.

Consequently, we are staying in touch. Certainly more than if he wasn’t consistently mailing lovely notes. In our last round of correspondence he wrote a few things I deemed worthy of sharing, and with his permission, here goes:

With all of Bill’s education, (MIT) wisdom, and work experience running a large technology business near Boston for decades (GenRad), here’s what he came up with, to sum up his life, and I quote:

“I thought of two four-word statements - one to express my optimistic view of my own life to date ("So far, so good!") and the other to express the goal for my future life (“Just keep going.”)”

That’s all. How wonderful that Bill is able to see his 96 years so simply...” so far, so good!”  The wisdom I read into his summation is that life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Yes, we all face challenges, and no life is perfect, it shouldn’t be, (how, then would we learn?) but in the long run, a positive attitude like Bill’s goes a long way toward a long life well lived. 

And to quote a portion of the Desiderata that my sister in law Pamela read at my mother’s memorial, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

Taking Risks

In 2007 I wrote my first mission statement. In 2014 I noticed I had achieved the goals set forth, (quite shockingly) and needed to create another mission. Ugh. Not just a statement, a mission. Here it is:

July 29, 2014: My creativity is the key to my success. As my own boss, I collaborate with other smart, bold, and empathetic people as we support each other’s pursuit of knowledge and creative direction. I make a difference in people’s lives and I am an opinion leader. I accept my weaknesses and invite help from others. When faced with fear I keep going. 

I’m sharing this with you today because of the last sentence. 

I started “Betsey’s Blog” (in my mind) earlier this year. I tried to figure out how to do it and either failed or got frustrated numerous times. So I stopped. Several times. And then I reread my mission and started again, and gave up again. All summer long. 

Then I reread my mission one more time and decided to believe the person who wrote it. I decided to believe that “when faced with fear I keep going.” What was I afraid of? What was I risking? Criticism, negative feedback, judgment, rejection. Yes.

Well, sending out my first “Betsey’s Blog” was risky. I did get some negative feedback, and it stung. It took a while for me to work through the feelings that resulted from criticism, rejection, and harsh judgment. 

And as I think about it now, each feeling was in relation to another person. That’s why I’m so passionate about being a relationship therapist. I love working with people to help them make changes in their most important relationships. And I do it, in part, because I’m fully aware how important relationships are to me. 

So, I’m still here. I faced my fear and kept going.

What are you afraid of? 

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides (and 2017 social media effects)

I am a relationship therapist. What does that mean? It means when I meet with people who are working through how to deal with, improve, and change their relationships. The important ones. Marriages, parent/child, families of origin ('psychobabble' for parents and siblings). 

During our exploration and understanding of their important relationships, social media is ever-present. I'd say 90% of the time in-session people pull out their smartphones to read me text exchanges and/or refer to something they saw or posted on FB or Instagram. 

This is still new territory for all of us. With so many ways to communicate and get glimpses of others' lives, how can we keep our own compasses straight; how can we be sure who we are while being bombarded with the "shiny happy people" versions of everybody on the planet?!

Deep inside we know our truths. We know how and where we hurt. We know our embarrassments, our shame. And we make a silent agreement with ourselves (me, myself, and I) to decide that other people have it all figured out. Whatever "it" means.

How does that net out for us? Each time we compare our insides to everybody's outsides, we lose. They're better looking, (apps help with that: http://stylecaster.com/beauty/best-photo-editing-app/) having more fun, and definitely, don't have my problems. Trust me, everybody has problems. Maybe not yours, but theirs. 

My goal with this post was two-fold: 

1 - Let this serve as one more reminder that we all have public and private lives and our public 'profiles' are a slim representation of our whole, rich, imperfect lives. 

2 - I'd like to make a suggestion. The next time you see someone you care about and trust and they ask, "how's it going?" answer them with something deeper, more real than "great!" I do this often and what do I find? Frequently the other person opens up with something honest and imperfect about their life too and we share a meaningful moment together inside-to-inside. Better than normal grocery store chit chat? I say yes. Try it. 

"An ounce of prevention..."

We've all heard "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ." When I was little it was likely said in reference to taking vitamin C or wearing a coat to avoid a cold. I see it differently now that I'm all grown up and fortunate enough to spend my work time helping people navigate relationships. 

How do I interpret the old saying now? In many ways. Here are some:

• Say something to your child when you have 'that feeling' that something's not quite right. She may be going through a rough patch and hasn't found the words yet to tell you what's up. Be the mature adult you are and open up space for her to express herself. Dealing with issues as they're developing can help prevent them from growing into larger problems that will require more effort and energy to resolve.
• Trust your gut. Always. Whether it's a situation at work or an ache or pain, your gut (figurative or actual!) is telling you something. Listen. 
• Don't wait. Research has found that people, on average, delay seeking psychological help for seven years from the beginning of their distress until they make the call. Seven. In my practice, those who seek help earlier than later feel better sooner. This applies especially to couples. 
• Another saying I like is that we can't solve problems with the same thinking that caused them. That's why seeking help from a therapist is helpful. We have training that allows us to approach solutions from a point of view you may not have considered. 

What's on your mind or heart that you've been avoiding dealing with? Can I help? It would be my pleasure. 

What About Baby? Wait a Minute, What About Me and What About Us?

In 1989, yes, quite a while ago, I was given possibly the best advice of my adult life. I was a new mom and living in a new city, so I joined a new mom’s group for support and to meet people. I met a terrific friend and got the advice below….

“After you have a baby, everything is a renegotiation.” That’s all. It’s a lot though. 

I was quite young (and not a therapist quite yet) and had no clue how to reconfigure my marriage with the addition of little Alex, and soon enough, Max. 

“Renegotiation” is not sexy, nor does it sound intimate or fun. But learning to express your needs and wants and learning to give and take with a partner with a new addition who, appropriately, demands a tremendous amount of time and energy is of PARAMOUNT importance. And doing so helps offset simmering resentments, which can be anti-intimacy makers.

Some of my favorite clients are young couples adjusting to parenthood. It’s about 50/50, whether they’re first-time parents or new parents to their second or subsequent child. Both scenarios can create stressors that are hard to deal with. Together we work to make sure that the baby’s needs are not the only ones to which the parents are attending. New parents are able to figure out how to negotiate time, sleep, parenting styles, work, etc., and most of us may need a little help doing so. 

Parent coaching with me is not a long-term process but it can help set up the new family with long term strategies that can last throughout a lifetime of marriage and parenting.

Frustration and What to Do With it

It's Monday morning and I decided to begin my week by writing a blog post about structure. I wrote what I think was a pretty darn clever post and was just editing my last paragraph when I deleted the entire post instead of the few words I THOUGHT I was changing. Insert expletive.

What to do, what to do? Here was my thought process: 'Try and re-write exactly what I had written, abandon the whole idea, step away from my desk, cry, give up, make lemonade.'

After failing at "edit, undo" several times and doing my best to calm my accelerating heart, I decided on lemonade. I changed the post to "Frustration..." 

It's ridiculously frustrating to lose things. Keys, wallets (hi honey), several paragraphs of carefully written words, etc. Frustrations are part of everyday living and I think it's better to figure out how to deal instead of white knuckling/hoping nothing goes wrong. 

My list includes some of the above (including crying) as well as taking a break, calling a friend, cleaning something (anything!). My husband knows I'm working through something when he sees me organizing the cabinets. What do you do when you're frustrated? 

(Note: I saved this post several times while writing it to ensure I didn't lose the entire thing...this time. I guess that's another strategy.)

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Here in the Northeast it's raining again. It's cold too. I can see from my phone's app that what we have in store for us today is...clouds, (I'd insert a visual here if I knew how), more clouds, and between a 30-80 % chance of rain from 11am until after midnight, or basically forever. Apparently, reportedly, tomorrow the sun will shine and we'll go up to 57 degrees. But today it's rainy and the temp will hover around 40-ish. Blah.

Hey, I was raised in Rochester, NY and this was normal for us. You know, "Rain-chester." I should be used to it. But I'm not and neither should you! What to do? What to do? Well, there's work and school and volunteering and exercise and eating and playing and planning...but really?

What am I motivated to do today during the sogginess? I WILL go to work and you likely will do your thing too, but how are we going to thrive today considering the weather is clearly conspiring to keep us all in bed with the covers over our heads?

I'm laughing at myself because, as I write this, I'm realizing I've become that person. I'm that person complaining about the ONE thing over which we NEVER have control. The weather. 

Back to thriving. Truth be told, we can all thrive whether it's raining or not. Whether other things in our life are delightfully in order or not. It's all about attitude. And I'm about to change mine as I brew up a tasty cup of coffee...even though I can no longer pour in that creamy half-and-half. Attitude! Almond milk is just fine (really?) and rain helps bring flowers. And, listen! I hear the birds chirping. Welcome Spring. Attitude.

Neat v. Messy in Relationships

Each of us tends toward neat or messy. And if we’re truly honest with ourselves we know toward which end of the spectrum we reside. There is a cultural bias toward being neat as a superior way of being, but I don’t buy it.

I’m writing this from a relational perspective. By that I mean I believe how we are in our homes and our offices matters to those around us; our coworkers, and more pointedly, our partners with whom we live. They care. A lot.

And as chance would have it we often partner up with someone on the other end of the neat-messy spectrum. Is this a problem? Well, it can be dealt with well and it can be a disaster. 

Here’s the ‘ouch’ scenario: Partner 1 needs order in her physical world. Having things neat and clean at all times, almost regardless of the circumstances, is #1 on her list of most important things. Partner 2 feels like life is to be lived and constantly worrying about the order of things takes away from being present and enjoying life. The OUCH comes when she expects him to do everything to her standards. Or the OUCH comes when he criticizes her for “being OCD.”

One way for a couple to navigate these potentially stormy waters is to put the issue out on the counter and face it head on. This eliminates or minimizes partners acting out their frustrations. I advocate for talking it out to avoid acting it out.

The overall goal of these conversations is to honor the wishes as well as differences between partners. “Hey, if you want X done exactly that way, I get it, you make sense. I’m not confident I will do it that way so let’s figure out if you want to take care of it or if we need to bring somebody in to help.” Or, “I get that this is not a priority for you and I’m working on understanding that because I love you. I see that we’re different and trust we can work this out so we can focus on things important to both of us like our relationship or a shared activity.”

One way of being is not better or worse, it’s how we honor the ‘other’ in our lives that affects how large the difference looms in the relationship.

On Being On Time…and Respect

So…in an odd turn of events, I was early to two appointments the other day. One was a dental cleaning and the other was a celebratory coffee with a dear friend. By early I mean 15 solid minutes early. How did that feel? Awesome! In both cases I had time to relax, breathe, feel good about being early, and in one case I sat in the car and paid a few bills. How productive!

I want to be clear, I’m not known as being chronically late, I simply get places on time. By on time I mean, literally, within seconds, AT the appointed time. The other day’s experiences taught me that being, what I will now formerly refer to as “on time”, can be stressful. A few minutes early will become my new on time - or at least I’m setting that as my intention.

Have you ever heard the adage attributed to Eric Jerome Dickey: “Early is on-time, on-time is late, and late is unacceptable”? I wasn’t exposed to this philosophy until my 40s when my niece, having been raised in a military family, shared with me that her parents raised her with this at the core of their time philosophy . Maybe if I had been raised that way I would have learned the virtues of arriving ‘early’ much younger. OR, as things sometimes play out, I would have rebelled against the rigidity of these time rules and become that late person. There is no way to predict outcomes because we’re odd, interesting creatures, aren’t we?

There’s value in teaching our children that being on-time is one way to show respect to others. And living by the above quote is one way to approach things. There are other ways as well. Some people live by the belief that being five minutes late is within socially acceptable parameters. Others find it offensive. Problems occur when we’re interacting with people who live by different assumptions regarding time and therefore make different meanings of their and our actions.

Talking about these things can help eliminate or reduce misunderstandings...but that’s always my solution. No big surprise, I AM a therapist!

Dating in the Digital Age

I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been hearing more and more about modern dating practices. How do people of all ages manage to meet, let alone find someone to love, with all the modern choices and distractions? With all that’s available online, how much, we’ll call it “research”, should people engage in before they meet face to face with that person they ‘met’ online? What’s considered safe practice and what’s, quite honestly…stalking? 

Can it be a mistake to rule-in or rule-out someone based on how you perceive their, here’s a new term, social online profile, even before you meet? Are people being truthful about their personal details when they set up a profile? Are they honestly portraying themselves on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Match, OK Cupid, J-date, e-Harmony, Zoosk, (never heard of this one until TODAY!) etc. or are they carefully curating their image as they wish they were? How much of this is fun and when can it become dangerous? 

One thing I know for sure is that people want to connect. They want a date, a partner; many want a sexual encounter or sexual relationship. There is a process people participate in to ‘negotiate’ the terms of connection. It doesn’t sound sexy or romantic, but it’s happening nonetheless. 

According to Aziz Ansari’s 2015 book Modern Romance, for men and women respectively the age of first marriage has risen from a 1970 average of about 23/20 to a 2014 average of 29/27. That fact alone shows how things are changing.

For me at least, a shocking piece of data Aziz and his research partner shared is the shift in how people meet today v. yesteryear. Example: according to a 2013 Match.com survey that asked “If you were asking someone out on a first date, which method of communication would you be most likely to use to get in contact?” they found that 32% of those under 30 would text, contrasting with 8% for those of us over 30.

One more online dating stat surprised me even more. A University of Chicago study discovered that, and I quote, “between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site.” The combination of other ways to meet (from days gone by) such as work, friends, and school didn’t match (pun intended) the power of modern dating. Remember meeting through family, or a place of worship, or blind dates? They all add up to a paltry 8.79% of how modern marrieds are meeting….

My simple advice, as a 50-something woman, happily-married-to-my-first-husband since pre-computer times, is that for those of you dating on-line and out in the world: BE YOURSELF! Because that’s who you will have to be anyway if the first date becomes a second date and then a relationship! And don’t worry about how you met. Everything’s acceptable today. Enjoy.

How Can We Talk With Each Other About American Politics Today?

There’s a lot of anxiety floating in the air. Some people are worried, some are terrified. Some are happy with the new administration and speak up freely while others keep quiet, fearing ridicule or worse. Our country is split. In half. The morning after the Presidential election my first thought was that half of us don’t know the other half of us.

I have some people in my life who I dearly love with whom I do not share political views. Maybe you do too. How are you dealing with maintaining your relationships while experiencing the past week’s rallies and protests so differently. Do you avoid? Do you argue? If you do talk about politics, HOW are you navigating these rough waters? To be totally honest, I mostly avoid. It’s not the greatest long term plan but it’s what I’ve landed on for now. I tell myself that I avoid because I don’t want to ‘go there’; it’s pointless. My relationships will outlive these differences. Sometimes I question my avoidant stance.

Many of us are simply not interested in learning the other peoples' points of view. If you watch the news - any channel - Respectful discourse seems to have evaporated. Panels are stocked with people who can articulate their point but nobody is listening to the other side. 

What about dialogue? Dialoging requires listening, pausing, pondering. Mostly listening; more pausing, less reacting. What if we started dialoguing and stopped debating? They’re very different. Dialogue includes mirroring, validating and empathizing. 

When I stop avoiding talking about the current political climate I’ll do it through dialogue because I know debating won’t work for me. Wish me luck.

Learning the Gender of Your Child

Update: On February 4th my dear niece and her husband (referred to two paragraphs below) welcomed a healthy beautiful little Gwenivere into their lives. NOW they know!

Are you (or did you) going to learn the gender of your unborn child or are you (or did you) going to wait until the baby is born? This is one of the hottest topics with young, childbearing age people today. Another is breast v. bottle feeding, but I’m not touching that one today!

Happily I have a family member expecting her first child in the next couple of weeks. She and her husband have decided to learn the gender of their baby at birth. In my experience on the other end of the spectrum I received a holiday card from a family who signed the card with the names of the parents, siblings, dogs, as well as from the unborn child by name. Almost 28 years ago we didn't learn the gender of our first son until he was born. Almost 26 years ago I let my doctor tell my mother the gender of my yet to be born second child. I also told her that she could tell anybody she wanted as long as my husband and I didn't find out until our beautiful son was born. Almost 27 years ago my sister was told that she was having a girl. We helped decorate the nursery and wash the mostly pink clothes. Her son is now 26. Surprise!

Are any of these families right or wrong; is one choice better or worse? Of course not! I can imagine good reasons for these choices along with other choices along the spectrum.

What’s the issue then? There doesn’t need to be an issue, but what happens is that many of us start judging people with other perspectives. And this continues throughout parenting and beyond. The judging and arguing to the end that your decision is the right one can cause major ruptures between friends and family members. To what end? When we argue our point of view do we really believe the other person will change hers or his? It's highly unlikely when it’s done through arguing with little listening.

I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to listen and be curious, regardless of the topic. Today’s topic is knowing the baby’s gender, tomorrow’s will be about how to help manage everybody’s sleep in a home with a young child, and tomorrow it will be about how to cope with a child during a meltdown. If we can be curious about other peoples’ lives instead of judging them we can create a more safe and connected community. Give it a try, it’s something you can do today…and it’s free!

On Multitasking...

I was driving to work yesterday and noticed my mind was racing with all sorts of Monday morning thoughts. I started seriously wondering how I drive and think at the same time. And then I realized that THAT thought alone was distracting. What am I supposed to do?

We talk a lot about distracted driving when we imagine driving and using a device. What about driving and having to manage all the thoughts that swirl through our minds. Isn't that distracted driving too?

Here's a sample of my thought process in less than 30 seconds later yesterday:

"...I need directions to my doctor's appointment, she moved, why did she move? Is it more convenient to have an office at the hospital? Billy Joel ad on the radio: I like Billy Joel, he's playing at stadiums all over the country all summer long, my husband loves him, should I get tickets to one of his concerts? Where, which one? For our anniversary in May? Should I take 95 or Post Road. I need to call that client back. When I'm I getting that rug for my office? How are my kids doing? Can my husband meet me for lunch? When will I hear back from that colleague? What's the temperature outside? Do I have a hat? Am I going to be late? Where do I park...?

There is so much available to see, hear, learn, smell, touch, and think about at all times, how can we discern what's important and let the rest go? How can we, how can I, take one thing at a time and NOT multitask? When did multitasking (or the illusion we can multitask) become such a popular concept? I think it coincided with the onset of technology enabling us to have access to 'the world of everything' 24/7. 

I love asking questions. Do I always have answers? Absolutely not. But I do have ideas and thoughts, (see above! ha ha) lots of thoughts. One thought is that we have choices. We can choose to focus on one thing at a time. Driving really safe. Connecting with loved ones. Paying bills. Washing dishes.

With all this in mind I've started an experiment this week. I'm practicing NOT multitasking. It actually makes me laugh as I type this but my modern example is choosing to read my book on a kindle instead of an ipad. I know, I know, reading an actual book would be another good choice, but my current book (The Things We Wish Were True) happens to be on my kindle. The reason reading on a kindle is not multitasking is because no updates, emails, or texts can pop up as I read. I'm putting my phone and ipad aside and enjoying reading, just reading. And I like it.

What would you like to do this week to invite more peace and less multitasking into your life?

January is "Find a Therapist" Month

I’d like to welcome you all back to your regularly scheduled lives. Isn’t that how it feels when January comes around? I’m certainly feeling that way a little bit. So many (wonderful?) distractions have consumed our time for the past couple of months and now here we are: winter and January. What to do?

I don’t have official statistics but I’m boldly dubbing January “Find a Therapist Month.” Why? Well, because I've noticed many people start therapy in the new year. Here’s the good and bad news: there is little over which we actually have control. It's bad because most things are outside our control; good because we DO have control over making changes in our lives. We influence others, we control ourselves. Or we can learn to control ourselves.

How? The how can be in choosing to dive into therapy. Yes, I said dive...no toe dipping! I’ve found that the more open people are to looking honestly at themselves in therapy, the more effective and efficient it is.

Here’s an example: I can’t fix anybody in my life. First, they’re not broken! Second, the most effective and sustainable way to change the way I’m affected by that person is to explore how *I may be part of the problem and decide how to make changes in my approach. Those changes over which I DO have control, change the ‘dance’ between the other person and me.

I can help you start the process of change. Call me if you’re looking for a therapist. If what you need is not in my wheelhouse, I have a significant network of other therapist with other specialties who I can refer you to. We live in a community and part of our community consists of people ready to help you face the cold and January with new tools to help you heal and grow. This is the kind of resolution that can stick.

*In abusive and unsafe situations, the approach is different. Finding and assuring safety is the #1 priority.

Designing Play

Now that it’s getting cold outside here in the Northeast we’re settling into a new routine of work, (maybe) school, volunteering, exercising, keeping your home in order (maybe!), caring for family members, etc., what are you doing for fun? Fun, really? When is there time for fun. I get it.

The most popular course at Stanford University is Designing Your Life. Professors Bill Burnett and Dave Evans wrote a book of the same name and posit that we need to think like designers as we search for direction, meaningful work, and, yes, fun in our lives. In a nutshell, we don’t need to know exactly where we’re going, but getting a good idea of which direction we’re traveling is most helpful.

As part of the journey, the authors ask the students/readers to assess their current lives in four categories: work, play, love, and health. “How full is your life in each of these buckets?” I did the exercise. All good...except I noticed that my play meter was too far to the left. Seriously!? This is my self assessment and it doesn’t lie. OK, what now?

Well, it’s been a few months since I realized my fun tank was running on empty and I have started doing something about it. I’ve reached out to friends to go on a few couples dates. Hubby and I tried spinning. I planned a vacation. These are all good, and I’m glad we did them all. What’s missing? More play! Daily play. Not just the big things like a vacation, but the daily little things that fill the play bucket. What’s next? Dancing?

How about you, if your play bucket isn’t full enough, what are you going to add? If it’s full already, let me know what you do to play. I could use some new and creative ideas!

#Iwishmyteacherknew...

Five years ago 3rd grade Denver teacher Kyle Schwartz gave her students the assignment to finish the sentence “I wish my teacher knew...” What came next became an internet sensation and most recently a book.

What she (and her fellow teachers who followed her lead) gained was an understanding of the many ways in which her students’ home lives affected their learning. And I believe their classroom learnings, in turn, affected their home lives as well because of what Kyle learned by introducing her simple sentence starter. Simple. But not ordinary.

As a family therapist who works with, well, families, I applaud her efforts. It makes sense that her idea went viral. My experience has taught me that the best school outcomes overall are based on a foundation of mutual respect between the schools and families. Nobody benefits if secrets are kept; secrets beget suffering.

When fear and shame prevent children from sharing what's really going on I their lives, learning suffers. The illusion that keeping a stiff upper lip is a sign of strength is largely from last century...or the one before that.

I support and encourage a mutually respectful triangle partnership between student, school, and family. And when needed, a therapeutic intervention with school counseling and/or a competent family therapist in the community. We’re all in this together, let's use all our resources so we can help support a new generation of learners and leaders. Students mental health and emotional safety is as important as their formal learning.

http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/17/living/i-wish-my-teacher-knew-kyle-schwartz-schools-feat/

Purpose...Connection...Courage...Spinning...#woundedwarriors

In theory, we all exercise. I've known for what seems like forever that exercise is good for body and soul. But I haven't been consistent, consistently.

Nothing earth shattering happened on August 10th to spur me to start exercising again. I just started. And I've continued. It's only been a month, but it's been a wonderful month. My persistent shoulder pain has eased. My clothes feel better, and I feel more comfortable in my skin. But that's not what inspired me to write today.

What inspired, I mean, who inspired me to write today is a woman named Rhodie. Rhodie is a co-founder and lead instructor at JoyRide in Westport, CT. I don't know a lot about Rhodie, but I learned pretty much all I need to know about her this morning during her spin class.

I wasn't feeling particularly great. I had some things on my mind and I hadn't slept well. Before class, to clear my mind I took a walk at Compo Beach. My hope was that the beautiful morning views would help me breathe and feel better. It was wonderful but my mood remained, well. " eh."

Enter Rhodie. I thought to myself, "OK, so she's obviously a pro. She has this whole spin thing DOWN." I figured she'd inspire me to work hard and sweat, and she did. What else she offered the 45 or so other souls in the room, however, is clearly her extra gift. Seamlessly and seemingly effortlessly, Rhodie ran the class like a gentle Sargent while weaving in her thoughts about three things she learned last weekend from her time spent with Wounded Warriors. Quite simply, her three keys to Joy are purpose...connection...and courage. 

Rhodie combined ideas about working hard and hitting our individual edges while reminding us that we all need a purpose; a reason to work or play...or do a tour of duty. Without purpose we wander. 

Connections are necessary for us to survive. Love, returned smiles, people who have our back at home and on the battlefield; they all make life meaningful. Exercising in that room filled with other people this morning made me feel connected to a purpose larger than myself. It helped me put my life into a more global perspective.

Courage. Anyone willing to put him or herself in harm's way for the benefit of people they will never meet has exceptional courage. To those who serve, I thank you and honor that your courage wins over the fear that must creep in. Courage in everyday interactions may be 'just showing up' to spin today, or it may mean fiercely building on a foundation of fitness they've been working on for years. Courage doesn't exist in the absence of fear. It exists alongside it.

Thank you Rhodie for inspiring me to work hard and take care of myself today, as well as reminding me that the world is big, few sacrifice for many, and that purpose, connection, and courage are necessary ingredients to a truly meaningful, Joyful life. And thank you to the other sweaty bodies and souls I connected with today. I hope you know how much you matter.